Beta #2...

...was 1,435.  More than doubled, I'm super happy!

I want to thank everyone for your reassuring comments yesterday.  I am feeling oodles better about the twins thing.  Yes, there are more risks and the work is daunting.  But the thought of having siblings who can play and grow up together is lovely.  And the thought of never having to do IVF again is absolutely amazing!  I'm sure there will be some rocky days ahead but for now I'm going to concentrate on the positives.

I just can't believe I'm really pregnant...it's so surreal, and I honestly forget about it sometimes because right now I feel so normal.  No cramps, no nothing really, except for bigger boobs and occasional heartburn.  But I guess I really am pregnant...wow.

Now I'm in the next 2WW, and this one is going to be just as hard as the last one I think.  It seems like ages from now, I just don't know how I'm going to get through it.  One good thing is that I managed to get my local RE to do my 6 week ultrasound, so I don't have to go to the one I don't like.  I'm now in the process of trying to figure out which OB I want, which in NY is no easy thing.  As a couple people have warned me (thanks guys!), there's heavy competition here for the good ones.  And unfortunately the high-risk OBs who I think I want to go to don't take any appointments until after you've been released from the IVF clinic.  And I also won't really know for sure that I'm high risk until at least that first u/s appointment.  Sigh, I guess I'll just have to figure it out as I go...

The important thing is that as of today I am pregnant, and who would've ever thunk that could happen?

4w1d - Kinda Freaking Out Over Here...

First off, I want to thank all of you again for the amazing support - what would I do without you ladies?  I was really touched to hear both from the amazing women I've been following and also first-time commenters.  Thank you all.

Since yesterday I have to admit I've been freaking out a bit about this twin thing.  I'm kind of ashamed about it, because I should be just overjoyed to be pregnant at all (and I am, I am!).  But I am also scared, anxious, and filled with regret about not doing eSET.  I'm not proud of it, but it's true.

Hubby was amazing last night and talked me off the ledge more than once.  Thank goodness he is a natural optimist, and always looks on the bright side of life.  He's going to need all of that optimism to get his crazy wife through this!

And yes, I know that there is still a possibility that this is a singleton after all.  But I checked out the Betabase and out of the 2,900 singleton betas recorded there guess how many were as high or higher than mine?  Less than 31.  Meaning less than 1%.  So it is very, very, VERY likely that I have twins cooking, and I need to just get my head around that fact.  If I can.

I also wanted to share something that I find kind of cool with you guys.  I don't know about you, but going through IVF and all of it's uncertainties has made me unusually superstitious.  I start looking for signs, grasping at coincidences, in the hopes that they mean something about my cycle.  I know rationally that this is all ridiculous, but infertility will make even the most hardened skeptic start reaching for voodoo dolls and spells!

For whatever weird reason, the thing I latched onto was our orchids.  My husband and I love orchids, and always have one or two around the house.  During my first IVF, I started this kind of game where I would think that if my orchid blossoms survived/thrived during the procedure, that it would be successful.  I know, weird right?  Unfortunately, the blossoms started to die off as soon as stims started, and I was left with only one sad looking one by the end.  You all know that my first cycle was a disaster and ended up not even going to transfer.

The next cycle, even though I tried not to, I ended up doing the same thing but this time with a bouquet of flowers (even crazier!).  And nearly the same thing happened - the blossoms started to fade and my cycle ended in a BFN.

This cycle, despite my best efforts, I started following the growth of the orchid we had bought to replace the first one.  I didn't follow it so much during the stims process (as I as out in CO) but once I got back and was waiting for our CCS results I started noticing it more.  This orchid has been an unusually healthy one, and lasted much longer than any I've ever had.  I kept waiting for it to fade, but it just kept on thriving.  Then, one day, not long after I got my CCS results of 2 normals, I noticed that the orchid had started to bud.  And about a week later I realized that there were not just one, but 2 buds that had formed!  This seemed like such a potent symbol for my 2 embryos that I couldn't help but imbue them with that significance.  I took a couple pictures as they started to grow, to document this in case my cycle actually turned out to be positive.

Here is the orchid plant - you can see the buds on the right stem.

Here's another picture later on - you can see both buds getting bigger.

During the 2WW, I started to fret over these buds with the same intensity that I was fretting over the embryos.  I would check on them 5 times a day, and if it seemed like they weren't growing I would get nervous.  I watered the plant carefully and religiously, and wouldn't let Hubby do anything to harm it.

The buds just kept growing and growing, and then, on the morning of beta, here is what I woke up to!

It bloomed!

A view from head on - you can see that bud #2 isn't far behind!

This story is absolutely true - it literally didn't bloom until the morning of beta.  Crazy coincidence, eh?

It makes me wonder about that second bud being behind the first...could that mean something too?  Although it is growing nicely and will be blooming in about a week I think...

Lest you think me totally loony I do realize that this is purely coincidence and not some mystical sign.  But sometimes it is these things that get us through a difficult time.  And I now have a great attachment to this little plant for helping me do that.

Beta #2 is tomorrow.  I suppose I should be glad that the shock of the twins thing kept me from worrying about it, or any other miscarriage fears.  I guess those will be coming before the ultrasound, gulp!  I'll post again tomorrow when I get my beta.  Never a dull moment!

Beta Results

Holy crap, first beta is 516!!!

My nurse first told me that she had great news for me, and that I was pregnant.  Then she said "Are you ready to be a mother to twins?"  O.M.G.   To tell you the truth, I don't know if I am!  I am of course thrilled to be pregnant, and would far prefer this outcome to not being pregnant, but...whoa.

If you recall I had the conversation with Dr. S about transferring only one but he was so adamant about transferring two that I caved.  Why didn't I listen to my gut?

Sorry guys, I don't mean to sound less than overjoyed, it's just that my head is spinning!  To go from not being able to get pregnant forever to twins in one fell swoop kinda blows your mind.  I guess it's also still possible that we may end up with one - we won't know for sure until the first u/s on March 14th.

Thanks to all of you ladies for the support, and for everyone who came back to me with advice on OB's. I think I'm going to try to get an appointment at an experienced MFM practice, where I may ultimately want to deliver.  And and OB who has experience with multiples!!

OMG, I just got a dizzy spell writing that...I'm going to go lie down and try to process this news!

OB Question For You Ladies

I'm back from getting blood drawn and waiting for my nurse to call with my beta.  In the mean time, my mind is (of course) already moving ahead to that first u/s.  So I have a question for you ladies about where it is best to do my early pregnancy monitoring.

My current OBGYN is located in a small, downtown office right by my apartment.  It's a new relationship - I only went there to get my annual / PAP when I was doing my ODWU at C.CRM.  I have to say I don't love my OBGYN - she's okay, but she's a little bit bitchy and has been kind of nosy about my IVF (asking me how much it cost, questioning why I went out of state, etc.)  But she would be very easy to set up appointments with and convenient to get to, and the office generally seems like a good practice.  However, I would never ultimately deliver there, because I want to go somewhere that has a sophisticated MFM practice, just in case (heaven forbid) anything should go wrong.

I could also try to find an OB at a hospital where I might ultimately want to deliver, so I can develop that relationship early.  But the big hospitals are all far uptown and will likely be harder to get an initial appointment at.  Also, since C.CRM will be continuing to provide primary care for the next however many weeks, I wonder if I should wait to go there once (if?) I "graduate" from their care.

Does anyone have thoughts or recommendations?  I have never gotten this far (obviously!) so just don't know what the best option would be.  Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

I will be posting that beta number later today as soon as I get it - fingers crossed...

10dp3dt - Day Before Beta and Gratitude

Ladies, beta day is finally here - I'll be going to the lab in the morning, and will hopefully hear back from C.CRM not too late.  I'm excited and nervous.  But most importantly, I'm grateful.  Grateful to have gotten this far in the process.  Grateful for my fabulous, funny husband.  And SO grateful to all of you wonderful, wonderful ladies who have given me so much support through this.  Your excitement and happiness has made every moment sweeter for me.  So thank you *all* from the bottom of my heart.  For real.

No day would be complete without the obligatory pregnancy test.  Today, in addition to using my last internet cheapie (which came in nice and dark), I pulled out a leftover FRER.  Without further ado, here it is:

Ain't it purty?  I promise that's the last of these I'll post.  Even I know when enough is enough!  But that's such a textbook looking line I just had to post it...

Feeling good today.  Heartburn is under control.  I figured out that the best way to deal with it is not to let my stomach get empty.  I had to get up twice in the middle of the night last night and eat something and that did the trick.  Of course, that means that I will be an absolute whale in about 2 weeks if this doesn't stop!  Oh well...

Only major symptom right now is BOOB.  They are getting bigger and more tender by the minute.  I keep grabbing them and holding them up, because I'm worried they will be down at my belly button by the time this is all over!

I hope everyone is having a great Oscars night.  I'm glad to have something to distract me before tomorrow.  Cross your fingers for me for a great beta!

9dp3dt - Getting Darker...

Just call me Miss Pee On A Stick.  I tested again this morning at 9am with FMU (per Single Mom To Be's suggestion).  Line came in nicely, just a tiny bit darker than yesterday's.  But of course yesterday's was done at 3:30pm so it hadn't been a full 24 hours.  So I tested again at 3:30pm today and got an even darker line - don't even have to squint to see it now!

Here's a pic (most recent test at the top):

Hubs is so excited.  He didn't come home until 9pm last night, which made me awfully impatient.  But it was worth it to see the look on his face!  He is trying not to get overly excited, and we agreed that as much as possible we will take this a day at a time.  That means today is a great day, today we are happy. Very happy.

My Fertility Journey, I will definitely get one of those digital tests so I can see the words "Pregnant"!  I am waiting until just before beta though because I don't think those tests are as sensitive as the ones I have been using.  The tests above are 10 miu, most others are 25 - 50 miu.

Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good.  Boobs are a bit sore, and occasionally I feel a tight sensation in my uterus, but other than the horrible heartburn I feel pretty normal.  I did have one crazy hot flash in the middle of the night last night - full on sweat, had to throw the covers off and pant for a few minutes to cool off!

I'm off now to buy some Mylanta for my poor little esophagus.  2 days and counting until beta!...

O. M. G.

Ladies, it's 8dp3dt, and I think I might actually be a little bit pregnant!  Let me tell you the story:

Yesterday I was having one of those days where I just couldn't sit still.  I tried everything to distract myself (a walk, TV, books, etc.) but just couldn't.  I had planned to try to wait until at least today to test (which admittedly was still very early) but I realized when looking through my stash that I had 5 internet cheapie tests left so I figured I'd start using them once-a-day, 5 days before beta and just finish them off.

I told myself that 7dp3dt was way too early to worry if I got a negative, so at around 4pm yesterday I bit the bullet and peed.  At first I saw nothing, and just figured that it was (sigh) another negative.  But after a few minutes I thought I saw the merest ghost of a line.  After another few minutes I could definitely see the faintest of faint lines.  It could only be seen close up, in strong light, but believe me, after examining a zillion tests for faint lines and never seeing even a *hint* of one in over 2 years, this seemed really promising.

I was of course elated, and had to go on a long walk just to process the event.  I told myself that I wouldn't tell anyone until I did another test today, just in case this was a fluke.  Not even my husband.  Not even you guys.  

I spent most of the day today in various states of holding my pee.  I decided I would test around 2pm, but I screwed up and accidentally started peeing at 12:30pm without thinking about it, so then I had to wait until 3:30pm to make sure my pee was concentrated enough.  But it was worth it though, because after peeing I saw this (the one on top is from today):

I don't know if you guys can see it in the picture, but there's definitely a faint line there, and it's a wee bit darker than the one below it from yesterday.  Considering it's only 8dp3dt this seems really encouraging!!

I wanted you ladies to be the first to know.  And I cannot wait to tell hubby when he gets home tonight!  I know there's a long way to go, and this could all go away at any time.  But after more than 2 years of seeing stark white, it is just amazing to even get this far...there are no words.

The only bummer is that since yesterday's test I've developed one new, horrible "symptom," which is massive heartburn.  I didn't realize that this was a common side effect of elevated progesterone, which is why so many women get it in pregnancy.  The progesterone acts as a muscle relaxant, which (among other things) relaxes the flap that separates the esophagus from stomach - hence, your esophagus gets exposed to stomach acid, and OW!  This is also one of the reasons why we get constipation with progesterone - the muscles that help push the stuff through also get relaxed.  I've never had heartburn before, so I was totally unprepared for it.  It kept me up all night last night, and I've been feeling it all day today.  C.CRM has only approved me to use Tums and Mylanta, which I'm only having minor success with.  Ugh.

But that's so insignificant compared to the happiness I'm feeling right now.  You can bet I'll be peeing every day until beta to hopefully see this line get darker.  And I'll keep y'all posted!  I had a feeling February was going to be a good month for all of us cycling, and I can't wait until everyone gets their turn!