I'm Baaack

Home, Sweet Home.  Back from Venice and Paris, both of which were beautiful and fabulous and completely saved my sanity and emotional health.  Because you see, right before I left for this trip I had a total meltdown.  I think it was a delayed reaction to those two doctor's appointments, where I was told that my chances of success were extremely, extremely low - a 5 - 10% estimated chance of success with IVF.  So low that my current clinic wouldn't continue treatment unless I did donor eggs.

I felt okay right after hearing the news, but the next morning I woke up crying, and didn't stop for most of the rest of the day.  Honestly, I was shocked at the intensity of my reaction - I didn't realize how PAINFUL this would be.  I cannot remember the last time I cried all day about anything - I honestly think it may have been 20 years ago.   I ended up composing a long and probably crazy-sounding mail to my mother and sister, which I'll post separately, which outlined the facts of my case and things I wanted to sensitize them to in terms of how best to support me.  And I cried the entire time I was writing it!

So thank GOD we left for this trip, which gave me a glimpse of what life could be like with no children.  H and I talked about learning French, doing an apartment swap in Paris - things that would be so much easier and more possible in a life free of children.  I haven't given up yet, and if I can't have a child with my own eggs I still may want to pursue donor eggs.  But it was still nice to feel life being big again and filled with possibilities that had nothing to do with children.

And H and I have started trying naturally again while we wait for IVF clinic #2.  So I'm technically in my 2WW although my expectations are so low it hardly counts.  Nevertheless, it's nice to keep feeling a little bit of hope every cycle...I was feeling so hopeless there for a while.

My appointment with C.CRM is in one week - if anyone is reading, please keep your fingers crossed that it goes well!  I don't think I could take it if he won't take me on - they feel like my best chance of success and it would be a blow to not have the opportunity to at least try there.  So here's hoping!