I just got back from my u/s - still only four follicles, after 7 days of stims. There are really only 3 that look viable, the other one is behind. I may be triggering tomorrow, so there's almost no hope that any more are going to appear.
I am crushed. I was really hoping for at least one or two more follicles/eggs than last time. At most they will get 3 eggs, and it's very likely there will be less. After all of this time and effort, and going to the best clinic money can buy, I'm getting the exact same result as before. I just have to face it, this is the best my body is ever going to do.
I was going to go out and do some things today but the wind has totally been taken out of my sails. I'm too depressed and numb to even cry.
I know that "it only takes one." I know there are tons of stories about women who have that miraculous lone embryo that gets them pregnant. But the basic fact is that this cycle is almost certainly not going to work. I don't even feel like continuing, to be honest with you, but I know that I should just see it through. We've gone this far.
I'm really, really sad.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Greetings from Denver
Hello all, I'm sitting here in my room at the Element Hotel writing this...in Denver at last!
First off, I wanted to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for your comments over the past couple of weeks - each and every one means so much to me, and I can't thank you all enough.
Brief recap of my time thus far:
I got to the airport yesterday afternoon, and of course my plane was overbooked. Had a stressful couple of hours where I had to wait for people to voluntarily reschedule before I got a seat. Thank goodness I eventually got on, although they put me in a middle seat on the most crowded, uncomfortably packed flight I've been in for a while. I felt very crumpled and overheated by the time I finally deplaned.
On my way in from the airport I stopped off to get dinner at Rjoja, which is in downtown Denver and just a short detour on the way to Lone Tree. I recommend it - has a nice atmosphere and an eclectic menu. I had a very civilized dinner there and got to the hotel about 9pm.
Went to C.CRM this morning for my u/s and bloodwork. They were extremely busy this morning, and everyone was rushing around like mad - probably trying to get things wrapped up before tomorrow. They counted only four follicles at this point (two on the left, two on the right), ranging from 6 to 14. I am disappointed there aren't more, but am trying to stay hopeful. This is after 5 days of stims, so I have a little time yet to improve the situation.
When I got done, I did a bunch of shopping for supplies - went to Walgreens and bought a huge thing of lotion and some moisturizing shampoo/conditioner. It is so dry here that my skin and hair feel thirsty all the time. I also went to Whole Foods and stocked up on snacks and food supplies. And then (don't laugh at me) I went to IKEA on a whim and bought a cheap ($10) paper lamp because the fluorescent lighting in the room here is depressing. That's my only complaint about the hotel - otherwise it is clean and comfortable. Once I get a lightbulb for this thing I'm hoping it'll cheer things up a bit...I'm a big believer in proper lighting!
I got back to the room late afternoon and waited for my phone call from C.CRM. I wanted to get my full results with E2/LH, so I could compare them with my last couple of cycles. Unfortunately like a dummy I had switched my ringer off and I missed the call. That seriously bummed me out - I was not scheduled to go back to C.CRM until Friday so I would have had to wait 2 whole days to get another report.
Luckily I managed to get a hold of someone at the clinic and they were kind enough to read me my results - E2 is 468 (up from 147) and LH is 7.2, up from 4.3. Of course I don't totally know what this means but I do know that you want your E2 to be rising and that they estimate one egg to equal about 200 of estrogen. And in comparing these results to my last 2 cycles, it does look like my E2 is higher than either of the last two at this point (5 days of stims). Not that that's saying much - I barely made any eggs at all in those cycles.
They have started me on Ganerilex as of tonight, and I'll be taking it every day until trigger. I have been speaking sternly to my ovaries telling them not to ovulate early.
I'll be alone tomorrow on Thanksgiving, but am planning on doing a videochat with H and buying some ready-made turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes from Whole Foods. I also have a couple of movies, so I should be all set.
I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with good food and lots of love. Will update soon!
First off, I wanted to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for your comments over the past couple of weeks - each and every one means so much to me, and I can't thank you all enough.
Brief recap of my time thus far:
I got to the airport yesterday afternoon, and of course my plane was overbooked. Had a stressful couple of hours where I had to wait for people to voluntarily reschedule before I got a seat. Thank goodness I eventually got on, although they put me in a middle seat on the most crowded, uncomfortably packed flight I've been in for a while. I felt very crumpled and overheated by the time I finally deplaned.
On my way in from the airport I stopped off to get dinner at Rjoja, which is in downtown Denver and just a short detour on the way to Lone Tree. I recommend it - has a nice atmosphere and an eclectic menu. I had a very civilized dinner there and got to the hotel about 9pm.
Went to C.CRM this morning for my u/s and bloodwork. They were extremely busy this morning, and everyone was rushing around like mad - probably trying to get things wrapped up before tomorrow. They counted only four follicles at this point (two on the left, two on the right), ranging from 6 to 14. I am disappointed there aren't more, but am trying to stay hopeful. This is after 5 days of stims, so I have a little time yet to improve the situation.
When I got done, I did a bunch of shopping for supplies - went to Walgreens and bought a huge thing of lotion and some moisturizing shampoo/conditioner. It is so dry here that my skin and hair feel thirsty all the time. I also went to Whole Foods and stocked up on snacks and food supplies. And then (don't laugh at me) I went to IKEA on a whim and bought a cheap ($10) paper lamp because the fluorescent lighting in the room here is depressing. That's my only complaint about the hotel - otherwise it is clean and comfortable. Once I get a lightbulb for this thing I'm hoping it'll cheer things up a bit...I'm a big believer in proper lighting!
I got back to the room late afternoon and waited for my phone call from C.CRM. I wanted to get my full results with E2/LH, so I could compare them with my last couple of cycles. Unfortunately like a dummy I had switched my ringer off and I missed the call. That seriously bummed me out - I was not scheduled to go back to C.CRM until Friday so I would have had to wait 2 whole days to get another report.
Luckily I managed to get a hold of someone at the clinic and they were kind enough to read me my results - E2 is 468 (up from 147) and LH is 7.2, up from 4.3. Of course I don't totally know what this means but I do know that you want your E2 to be rising and that they estimate one egg to equal about 200 of estrogen. And in comparing these results to my last 2 cycles, it does look like my E2 is higher than either of the last two at this point (5 days of stims). Not that that's saying much - I barely made any eggs at all in those cycles.
They have started me on Ganerilex as of tonight, and I'll be taking it every day until trigger. I have been speaking sternly to my ovaries telling them not to ovulate early.
I'll be alone tomorrow on Thanksgiving, but am planning on doing a videochat with H and buying some ready-made turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes from Whole Foods. I also have a couple of movies, so I should be all set.
I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with good food and lots of love. Will update soon!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Denver Bound
Tomorrow I am flying to Denver - at long last!
I've been rather busy the last week or so, which has been good for me. Haven't felt too anxious or nervous just yet, even with all of the injections & pills. I was even pretty chilled out about missing today's call from C.CRM. I was hoping to get details from my nurse about E2 and follicles, but since it was just a voicemail she only included my instructions. I could have called back to ask, but then I said - what's the point? I'll be out there soon enough.
However, the next ultrasound you can bet I'll be asking a lot of questions - that will be after 5 days of meds, and I am hoping for better progress than my last 2 cycles. It's a LOW bar, so I am really hoping to beat it.
I feel pretty good physically. I can feel a bit of pressure in my ovaries, and have been having those horrible Clomid hot flashes, particularly at night. But other than that, I'm doing pretty well. If it's anything like before, the Clomid emotional spikes will start to hit in a few days - and then we'll see how good I feel!
That's it for now. I'll be dragging my computer out to Denver so I look forward to doing a lot of blog reading & writing in the next week. I hope everyone has a happy & healthy Thanksgiving holiday!
I've been rather busy the last week or so, which has been good for me. Haven't felt too anxious or nervous just yet, even with all of the injections & pills. I was even pretty chilled out about missing today's call from C.CRM. I was hoping to get details from my nurse about E2 and follicles, but since it was just a voicemail she only included my instructions. I could have called back to ask, but then I said - what's the point? I'll be out there soon enough.
However, the next ultrasound you can bet I'll be asking a lot of questions - that will be after 5 days of meds, and I am hoping for better progress than my last 2 cycles. It's a LOW bar, so I am really hoping to beat it.
I feel pretty good physically. I can feel a bit of pressure in my ovaries, and have been having those horrible Clomid hot flashes, particularly at night. But other than that, I'm doing pretty well. If it's anything like before, the Clomid emotional spikes will start to hit in a few days - and then we'll see how good I feel!
That's it for now. I'll be dragging my computer out to Denver so I look forward to doing a lot of blog reading & writing in the next week. I hope everyone has a happy & healthy Thanksgiving holiday!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Ladies, Start Your Engines..
..because as of this afternoon, it's a go!
I had my u/s and bloodwork this morning and all was well. C.CRM cleared me to begin medications tomorrow, and I will be flying out to Denver on Tuesday for the remainder of the cycle. Can't believe it's finally here! I am so relieved to get past the first step.
It's going to be rather odd shooting up in a hotel room alone on Thanksgiving, but (sad as it is) I'd rather be doing that than anything else at this point. I am so ready to get some answers - anything that brings me closer to that step is welcome right now.
The part I will absolutely hate is having to talk to my family and lie about where I am, but I just have to. It's so much easier doing this without the weight of other people's hopes and expectations to contend with. And I have all of you for support, which is why I'm so glad I have this blog.
I highly doubt any of you will be in Denver next week given that it's Thanksgiving, but if anyone is and feels like meeting up, drop me a line! It would be nice to meet some of you and have some company while I wait to H to show up.
That's it for now. Cross your fingers for me, I need all the help I can get!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Waiting on Flo (Again)
She's kind of arrived, but not fully. I would normally be willing to bet that tomorrow will be the day, but after last time (where she took five days of drips and drabs to fully arrive) I can't do that.
Not such a big deal except for planning flights. I am trying to weigh how much more I will spend by waiting until just before I leave to book flights vs. getting charged penalties for changing your ticket if I book now. Plus I won't really know until after my Day 2 u/s & bloodwork whether I am fully cleared to go or not - they could still find a cyst or something. I guess I'll just wait until then before booking and suck up the extra cost. Would be curious to know what other people did?
C.CRM did finally receive my questionable HSG report, and the good news is that I'm cleared to proceed, at least for the retrieval. I wasn't sure if I still may have to do something prior to transfer, need to clarify that.
I'm really ready to get through this cycle and find out the results. I seem to be doing better at managing my anxiety this time - that wedding trip really helped. My expectations are also so much lower after what I've been through. While I'm sure I will still be devastated if this doesn't work, I feel more prepared for bad news then I was last time. However, once I start pumping all those meds into my body I'm sure I'll start to lose my sanity soon enough!
I've been trying to lose a couple of pounds in advance of this cycle so the weight gain doesn't get out of control, but I've just given up. Too many things going on right now - vanity will have to come later!
Not such a big deal except for planning flights. I am trying to weigh how much more I will spend by waiting until just before I leave to book flights vs. getting charged penalties for changing your ticket if I book now. Plus I won't really know until after my Day 2 u/s & bloodwork whether I am fully cleared to go or not - they could still find a cyst or something. I guess I'll just wait until then before booking and suck up the extra cost. Would be curious to know what other people did?
C.CRM did finally receive my questionable HSG report, and the good news is that I'm cleared to proceed, at least for the retrieval. I wasn't sure if I still may have to do something prior to transfer, need to clarify that.
I'm really ready to get through this cycle and find out the results. I seem to be doing better at managing my anxiety this time - that wedding trip really helped. My expectations are also so much lower after what I've been through. While I'm sure I will still be devastated if this doesn't work, I feel more prepared for bad news then I was last time. However, once I start pumping all those meds into my body I'm sure I'll start to lose my sanity soon enough!
I've been trying to lose a couple of pounds in advance of this cycle so the weight gain doesn't get out of control, but I've just given up. Too many things going on right now - vanity will have to come later!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Annoyed again
So I sent a follow up email to my nurse asking if the karyotype results for my husband had come back because I only received mine. She told me they never performed a karyotype analysis on him. I then asked her to check with Dr. S because my impression was that he wanted it done on both of us.
This morning I get an email from her stating that Dr. S confirmed that a karyotype should have been done on my husband. This is so annoying, I don't know why this keeps happening! The whole point of the karyotyping was to potentially save us from doing an IVF in the instance that either me or my husband had chromosomal abnormalities. Now it's too late to do that - we have to go forward without it, which is really irritating me.
My husband, in his typical calm fashion, pointed out that the chances of there being a problem are slim, so it probably doesn't matter. But to me that's beside the point - they should be getting these details right, without me catching these mistakes for them.
At this point I am going to keep things status quo, but once we get through this cycle I may request another nurse. It's just one too many times where this has happened. Argh.
This morning I get an email from her stating that Dr. S confirmed that a karyotype should have been done on my husband. This is so annoying, I don't know why this keeps happening! The whole point of the karyotyping was to potentially save us from doing an IVF in the instance that either me or my husband had chromosomal abnormalities. Now it's too late to do that - we have to go forward without it, which is really irritating me.
My husband, in his typical calm fashion, pointed out that the chances of there being a problem are slim, so it probably doesn't matter. But to me that's beside the point - they should be getting these details right, without me catching these mistakes for them.
At this point I am going to keep things status quo, but once we get through this cycle I may request another nurse. It's just one too many times where this has happened. Argh.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I'm Back
Am now officially married in the eyes of both the state and our families. We had a lovely, lovely trip and wedding, just what we hoped for. Unfortunately I have to apologize in advance for not posting pictures - I'm having trouble getting everything downloaded for some reason. Will get to it at some point, I promise!
In the mean time, I'm feeling really good - getting away and being completely absorbed in another set of activities did wonders for my mental/emotional state. It's really clear to me now how bad it is sitting at home and obsessing about IF stuff....have to work on that.
The best part is that I'm now only a week or so away from kicking off this cycle. Thank goodness it's finally here, not a moment too soon. Hopefully I can hang onto this vacation glow as long as possible and keep the anxiety to a minimum.
Got a couple pieces of good news back from testing. My FSH came in at 7.0 and my karyotype results are normal, so that's a relief.
I did a lot of catching up on blogs yesterday and today - seems like things are progressing pretty well in general. A lot of people getting further along in their pregnancies and/or starting cycles after long waits. I hope everyone gets the babies they deserve (including me!)
Am off now to eat some dinner - it's good to be back!
In the mean time, I'm feeling really good - getting away and being completely absorbed in another set of activities did wonders for my mental/emotional state. It's really clear to me now how bad it is sitting at home and obsessing about IF stuff....have to work on that.
The best part is that I'm now only a week or so away from kicking off this cycle. Thank goodness it's finally here, not a moment too soon. Hopefully I can hang onto this vacation glow as long as possible and keep the anxiety to a minimum.
Got a couple pieces of good news back from testing. My FSH came in at 7.0 and my karyotype results are normal, so that's a relief.
I did a lot of catching up on blogs yesterday and today - seems like things are progressing pretty well in general. A lot of people getting further along in their pregnancies and/or starting cycles after long waits. I hope everyone gets the babies they deserve (including me!)
Am off now to eat some dinner - it's good to be back!
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