Yesterday was a pretty good day, all things considered. I went to my follow up appointment with my current RE and got exactly the conversation I expected, which was that she didn't recommend any further IVFs but was there for me if I decided to do donor eggs (my only real option in her opinion). However, I was fully prepared for this so it was only slightly depressing to hear as opposed to devastating. And I got all my questions answered and walked away with my medical records and progesterone supplements, just as I planned. Felt good to get closure.
I then had a lovely lunch and walked a good while in some of the most gorgeous weather we've had his summer in NY. I spent the afternoon organizing and scanning my medical records so I could send them to C.CRM - tedious, but productive. Then I went for a run along the water and watched a brilliant gold and purple sunset over the Hudson River. Not half bad.
During this time I pondered the following scenarios:
1) Adopting...a dog. I've always wanted a dog, but with H and I having such busy jobs and living in the city, it never seemed possible. But now things are different. I am thinking that if we're no closer to having a child by spring of next year, we will adopt a shelter dog. H's face lit up when I made that suggestion - so it could be great for both of us.
2) Donor eggs. I am kind of coming around to the idea of donor eggs should all else fail. I know that H is emphatically not in favor of it, but it's possible he may also come around after more time/failed attempts. Maybe it's not so important to have the genetic link - I suspect once the baby is there, it's just your baby, and all you will care about is loving and taking care of him or her.
Of course, I am still holding out hope that we can conceive on our own. But I think the only way I can survive this continual state of uncertainty is to plan for failure and realize that your Plan B is actually pretty great/satisfying.
That worked pretty well until...I decided to log in to Facebook. It's been about a year since I logged in, so I had a bunch of messages from friend/acquaintances in highschool, college, etc. There were pictures of a high school reunion this weekend which I missed, and looking through them one thing smacked me right in the face - EVERYONE had children. And I mean everyone. All the messages were about people's families, and how beautiful they were. Oh man, it hurt. My thin protective barrier of positive thinking just came crashing down.
I guess that's just the way it is with infertility. I've heard it described as a wound which keeps getting opened up and prevents it from healing. You bandage it up as best you can and for a while it's fine, but then the bandaid is ripped off and you're back right where you started.
But enough of that, I'm off to the appointment with a potential new RE. Am hoping to hear a slightly more hopeful message, if only because he hasn't failed with me yet! Will update once I'm back.