The Not-So-Sexy Infertility Adventures of a Girl in the Big Apple

Friday, March 30, 2012

8 Weeks 4 Days - First OB Appointment

Just got back from my first appointment with my new OB.  I liked her a lot - it was a fairly brisk first meeting, but she covered all the bases in terms of things I had immediate questions on.  She reiterated what I already knew about twin pregnancies, which is that they are almost always premature and that deliveries are almost always by C-section.  However, she said that other than some additional monitoring towards the end, I will generally be treated the same as any other patient.

She also said it was fine for me to exercise - pretty much anything (except extreme sports) as long as I wasn't gasping for breath.  I'm happy about that, but I'm not sure I will jump fully into it.  I think I may start to work myself slowly up to elliptical machine, bike and yoga.  Not sure if I have the guts to try running.  We'll see.

Best part of the appointment was getting to see the little bubs.  They are both doing great.  Baby A measured ahead at 9 weeks, and has a heartbeat of 179.  Baby B measured right on the dot at 8 weeks 5 days, and has a heartbeat of 173.  Here is the latest pic - because of their position, it was hard to get one picture that they are both clear in, but this is the best one she got:

A'int they cute?  They look like 2 little peanuts.

My next u/s won't be for nearly a month - we'll be doing the NT scan at 11 weeks.  I could have asked for one more u/s in between (and still might, if I change my mind) but we are going to be traveling to see my family in Seattle in a couple of weeks anyway so I'm thinking I might just hold out until the NT scan.

I'm planning on surprising my family with the news in person.  It's a little sooner than I would like to break the news (will only be 10 weeks by then), but my parents are taking a couple of long trips right around the end of my first trimester and I want to be able to tell them in person.  I am, however, going to tell them to keep it between the family for now, until we're okay to go public.  My sister, BIL and my little nephew are also out there, so I'm hoping it will be an all-around joyful celebration!

Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences, tips, etc. re: dealing with pregnancy symptoms.  My goal in the next week is to slowly resume exercise, in the hopes that this will give me some more energy.  I also want to eat as healthy as possible, or as much as my nausea will allow.  Right now I'm eating like a 3rd grader - apple sauce, crackers, and fruit make up an alarming amount of my daily diet.  I need to work in some more proteins and veggies if I can.

Off to eat some more applesauce before dinner!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

8 Weeks 3 Days - Blech

In case anyone has noticed that I've been a bit silent lately, the reason is that my pregnancy symptoms definitely took a turn for the worse this week.  Monday and Tuesday I was barely able to get out of unbelievably tired all day.  And the nausea has definitely gotten worse too.  Now, instead of just feeling nauseous when I don't eat, I also often feel nauseous after I eat.  But I feel I have to keep eating, or else it gets much worse.  I haven't (thankfully) actually started throwing up yet, and I hope it stays that way!

Tuesday early evening I forced myself to go out for a brief walk, and that helped a bit.  And yesterday I had to go out for bloodwork and to get some things fixed on my computer, so I got out of the apartment for most of the day.  It definitely helps my mood to move around a bit and get outside, but it's also really, really hard to motivate myself to do so.  I almost pushed off the bloodwork until today because I was feeling so tired but I forced myself to get out and do it.

Good news is that my levels are looking great.  Estrogen is at over 3,000 and progesterone is at 26.6.  So I get to start weaning - will go down to 3 patches every other day and 2 daily suppositories, and then will go back in for a check on Saturday.  I am so excited - getting really, really sick of the hormone supplementation.  The progesterone in particular saps any little energy I might normally have, and the suppositories are so gross.  Hoping when I stop them I'll feel a wee bit better...

I have my first appointment with an OB tomorrow.  I'm really hoping I like her, and that the ultrasound shows 2 healthy babies in there.  One good thing about feeling sick is that you don't have the wherewithal to worry much about it, so I haven't been stressing too much.  I'm sure I'll get nervous once I'm there...

I went bra shopping last week because my normal bras were getting ridiculously small - I had muffin top over my bra on both sides!  And guess what, I am now a 32 DD!  Aaah!  And actually I realized that I should go back and exchange for an E cup, because the DD is already getting a little snug.  It's not a good look, peoples.  Not good.

Does the "pregnancy glow" thing really exist, or is that just a bulls*** myth made up by men to make them feel better about what this does to us?  I've been reading many blogs about pregnancy and none of them seem particularly glowy - most people feel kinda gross and/or uncomfortable throughout, as far as I can tell.

Sorry for this rambling, boring, complain-y post.  I just felt compelled to write something because it's been a little while.  Will post after tomorrow's appointment with hopefully good news....

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

7 week 2 day Ultrasound - Hello Baby B!

Yes, you heard that right - I went into today's ultrasound just hoping that Baby A was doing well, and fully expecting to see Baby B's empty sac.  But within seconds of the picture coming up, we saw two!

Baby A is looking great - measured exactly 7 weeks 2 days and had a heartbeat of 135bpm.  You could clearly see the yolk sac and the amniotic sac, along with the embryo.  Baby B was harder to see as he/she is sitting further back in the uterus and very close to the uterine wall.  This is probably why we didn't see anything last time.  She did get a clear heartbeat, which came in at 129bpm.  Her best guess at measurement was 6 weeks 6 days, which is 3 days behind the other, but she acknowledged that there is some fudge factor because it was hard to get a clear picture.  My RE said that while Baby B is behind Baby A, it still seems to be within normal range and she felt 80% good that the baby will be just fine.

My head is spinning.  First I had to get over the shock of likely having twins, then I had to get comfortable with losing one, and then wham!  We're back in twinland again!  My husband looked a bit wide-eyed for the first time in this whole process.  Before this he's been pretty calm - didn't even freak out when we first thought we were having twins.  I told him that he's just been in denial, and he laughingly agreed there was some truth to that.  But I think things are starting to sink in for him now, and he's realizing that this seems to really be happening.  It is totally surreal...

I am just praying now that both babies develop appropriately, and that I am able to give birth to two healthy babies.  I hope I don't have too horrendous a pregnancy either, but I guess I'll have to prepare myself for some bumps in the road.

These days I'm feeling okay - and by okay I mean queasy most of the day, gassy, bloated, tired, and spaced out.  My breasts are ENORMOUS - I have already gone up a cup size, and desperately need to find the energy to go bra shopping.  I find that I feel much better when I am up and about, so I've been trying to get out of the apartment and walk around during the day.  But as soon as I come home to rest the nausea and generally crummy feeling kicks in.  Oh, and I am gaining weight like a Trojan.  I haven't figured out the "small meals" thing yet - I am just eating all of the time to stave off nausea, and it's showing!

I'm sorry if this sounds like I am complaining and less than overjoyed.  Behind all of the anxieties and nausea is a sense of deep, deep happiness.  I am so frigging lucky to have made it this far, and I know it!

Oh, and thanks to everyone for their advice on my last post about sharing medical records with my RE.  I decided I will do it if she wants them - having said that, this visit she didn't even ask me about them.  I think she's forgotten about it.  But thanks again to you ladies, it's awesome having so many smart, experienced people to ask about this stuff!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

6 weeks 2 days - Ultrasound Report

Hubby and I went in today for our first ultrasound.  I hadn't really been stressing too much about it up until this morning - I think that's mainly because I've been walking around in a progesterone fueled haze most of the last week.  Have felt fairly spaced out and groggy most of the time.

Anyhow, I did start to get very nervous once we got to the waiting room of my old clinic.  Sitting there brought back all of the painful memories of my last two failed cycles and so many difficult conversations with my RE.  She told me after both cycles one and two that she thought we would never get pregnant with my eggs, and that I should move to donor eggs.  I think those were the most devastating conversations I had during this whole process, and it makes my stomach turn just thinking about them.

Upon seeing me again, she was very warm and very happy that we had gotten pregnant.  She congratulated us on our perseverance and said she felt chagrined that she had told us to stop trying.  We proceeded with the exam, and saw this:

Yup, that's what it looks like.  2 embryonic sacs, but only one embryo.  It looks like one of them didn't make it, although clearly 2 implanted and started to develop.  However, Twin A (the one that was there) looked good - we saw the fetal sac, fetal pole, and the heartbeat.  In fact, we *heard* the heartbeat, which was awesome.  Unfortunately, my RE didn't provide any measurements or other information to C.CRM (I am annoyed by this because I did give her the orders), but I can see from the printout she gave me that the heart rate was 112, which I think is pretty good.  I am going to call back tomorrow and see if she took measurements but just forgot to send them - argh.

I am supposed to go back in next week for a follow up, to see if Twin B does in fact emerge - there is still a slight possibility that it is just behind the other one, but it's unlikely.  I have mixed feelings about all of this.  On the one hand, I am sad that we seem to have lost Twin B - I had really started to get excited about having twins.  On the other hand, I'm relieved that I won't have to worry about all of the very real complications of twin pregnancies.  But the most predominant emotion I am feeling is intense worry about Twin A.  The fact that we lost one has made the possibility of losing the other feel very real, and that thought scares me to death.  I can totally deal with losing one - but not both.  Please, please, not both!

I also have an ethical question for you ladies, which I am wrestling with a little.  My RE is very interested in seeing my medical records from C.CRM.  Partly because she wants some information on the embryos I transferred in assessing the current state of my pregnancy and what might have happened to Twin B (a legit reason,) but also because she is interested to know about my protocol at C.CRM and what they did to get me pregnant.  This is in the interests of her own self-education and improving her practice, as she freely admits.  I feel kind of weird about this because I don't know if that would be something that C.CRM wouldn't want me to share - each clinic's protocol is somewhat proprietary and I don't want to unwittingly cross any boundaries by sharing that with her.  On the other hand, it's not particularly hard to figure out what different clinics are doing if you really care to find out - I myself read tons of blogs/posts about C.CRM and their different protocols before I ever got there.  That was the reason I asked Dr. S to add Saizen to my protocol, which he wouldn't have done otherwise.

What do you guys think?  Should I just go ahead and request a copy of my medical records?  Should I ask the nurse first?  Not sure how to approach this one and appreciate any thoughts from you wise people.

6 week symptoms are about the same.  Nausea when I have an empty stomach (hence, I never have an empty stomach and hence, I am getting fat very fast).  No bleeding since the last episode (thank goodness!)  Fatigue and foggy headed feeling (I think progesterone related).  Latest blood draw showed steady increase from last week:
Estrogen - 1,153
Progesterone - 9.9

That's it for now.  I'm going to sit back and try to process all of this news.  I am already anxious for next week's u/s, going to be a looong week.

Friday, March 9, 2012

A Moment of Levity

Hubby brought home "The Onion" the other day and I came across this article, which made me piss myself laughing.  Sometimes I wonder whether an outsider (a guy, most likely!) coming across all of our blogs and associated comments would think this about us?

I love blogging and all of you, and wouldn't trade any of it.  But I do like to have a hearty chuckle once in a while at my own expense - keeps you from taking yourself too seriously!

On another note, I am doing much better in the bleeding/cramping department - no signs today at all.  I am, however, starting to feel a little nauseous and also something that is best described as "a little delicate."  I'm sensitive to noises, smells, any kind of stimulation.  And so as much as I should be going out and getting errands done, I'm just holing up in my apartment again.  Sigh.

Hoping I'll have a little more energy/capacity to deal with things soon.  And I hope you find that article as funny as I did and treat yourself to a good laugh.  It's Friday, people!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Better Today

I am, thankfully, feeling better today.  The bleeding appears to have mostly subsided (a bit of brown staining) as have the cramps.  I cannot thank you ladies enough for the support, information and reassurance you gave me yesterday.  It helped me enormously, and I swear I could not do this without you!  You guys are really the best.

A couple of you mentioned you had (or read about) similar cases of bleeding, and I actually went back and read your blogs to get some reassurance.  Krista from My Infertility Road had an episode just like mine right around the same time (5 weeks, 2 days) and everything turned out great.   Krista, thanks so much for pointing that out, your case was so similar to mine I felt a LOT better after reading your story.  And again, thanks to *everyone* for sharing information and insight, so wonderful to have you all as a resource.

Yesterday after my last post the bleeding got a bit worse (started to see dark brown clumps in addition to the bright red).  I called C.CRM back again and spoke to a different nurse, who was more reassuring than the first.  She said that 80% of their patients have bleeding in early pregnancy, and that most of the time it is just fine.  She also said if I was miscarrying that I would have tons of blood and be doubled over in pain within a few hours.  Her prediction was that by this morning the bleeding would turn brown and basically stop.  This got me through the night, and thankfully she appears to have been right.  Phew.

I'm bracing myself for further episodes, but now that I know how common it is hopefully I'll be a little less freaked out.  Maybe.

I am going to take a little bit of a walk today, just to get some fresh air (didn't leave the apartment at all yesterday as I started bleeding right before I was going to go outside).  But other than that I think I am going to lay low and rest another day.

I cannot wait until my first u/s - I want to know what is going on in there!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


I finally spoke to a nurse at C.CRM, I called twice and no one was picking up so I had to leave a message.  The nurse told me to just lie down the rest of the day, drink lots of fluids and monitor the situation.  She said it was too early to do an ultrasound, and since I just did bloodwork a couple of days ago that it didn't make sense to redo it just yet.  If things get worse (if I start seeing clots or cramps get more severe), I'm to call them again, but that's about it.

She said she thought my body may just be having a reaction to the progesterone, which is causing the bleeding and even the cramping.  If I was only bleeding or only cramping, I think I would feel okay.  But having both at the same time is incredibly scary.  Also, I honestly think the nurse was partially just saying that about the progesterone so I don't freak out too badly, because she also said that I didn't need to get the Rhogam shot because of my blood type.  You only do the Rhogam shot when you're about to miscarry, so she clearly was thinking about that as a potential outcome.  She also made a veiled comment to the effect that it didn't seem like an imminent miscarriage, but that we might get the bad news at the u/s next week.

I feel no more at ease than before.  I'm so, so scared of this getting worse - or perhaps worse yet, having this get better for a time only to find that at our ultrasound something went terribly wrong.

Why did this have to happen??  Everything seemed to be going so well and now I'm horribly afraid it's all going to be snatched away.  There's nothing I can do though, except wait.  Thank you all for the words of concern, I wish I had something to reassure you and myself, but there's nothing.

I am in hell right now.

Bleeding and Freaking Out

OMG, I just went to the bathroom and there was a lot of blood - not just spotting, bright red blood.  I have started cramping badly too, feels just like horrible period cramps.  I am totally freaking out.

I am waiting for a call back from the nurses office at C.CRM.  I'm so scared, I don't want to lose this pregnancy.  Why is this happening?

Monday, March 5, 2012

5 Weeks

Today I am 5 weeks.  My nurse called with the results of my weekly blood draw, and everything seems to be fine:

Estrodiol: 526 (they want it above 300)
Progesterone: 8.6 (they want it above 6)

These numbers seem awfully low compared to some of the ones I've seen posted lately, but if C.CRM says it's good I guess I can trust them.

I don't feel terribly pregnant yet.  No major symptoms, except for ridiculously big boobs - I swear they are getting bigger every day.  And I'm already a C cup, so I shudder to think what they will be like later on!  Last week I had a couple episodes of dizziness/lightheadedness, but they came and went.  Nothing really in the way of cramps either, although I am kind of "feeling my uterus" a bit more this week.

I guess the other possible symptom is fatigue.  I have been more tired lately, but that could also be progesterone (that stuff really puts me to sleep) and the fact that I have been fighting off a cold that Hubby brought home.  Thankfully it never really blossomed, but that of course made me worry that perhaps my immune system acting up in my defense could be bad for the embryos.  But this was a passing thought - I'm not too concerned, mainly because there's nothing I can do about it!

I went and bought a scale today so I could start tracking my weight.  I am already a couple pounds heavier than my normal weight, due no doubt to massive overeating these last couple of weeks.  Hoping my appetite will calm down a little so I can go back to normal, at least for a little while.

That's it for now, pretty boring over here.  All my thoughts are fixated on next week's ultrasound.  And on the lovely women I follow in their 2WWs or waiting for their next ultrasound - I wish everyone the very best of luck, and hope we all get great news!