A Pretty Good Day Until....

Yesterday was a pretty good day, all things considered.  I went to my follow up appointment with my current RE and got exactly the conversation I expected, which was that she didn't recommend any further IVFs but was there for me if I decided to do donor eggs (my only real option in her opinion).  However, I was fully prepared for this so it was only slightly depressing to hear as opposed to devastating.  And I got all my questions answered and walked away with my medical records and progesterone supplements, just as I planned.  Felt good to get closure.

I then had a lovely lunch and walked a good while in some of the most gorgeous weather we've had his summer in NY.  I spent the afternoon organizing and scanning my medical records so I could send them to C.CRM - tedious, but productive.  Then I went for a run along the water and watched a brilliant gold and purple sunset over the Hudson River.  Not half bad.

During this time I pondered the following scenarios:
1) Adopting...a dog.  I've always wanted a dog, but with H and I having such busy jobs and living in the city, it never seemed possible.  But now things are different.  I am thinking that if we're no closer to having a child by spring of next year, we will adopt a shelter dog.  H's face lit up when I made that suggestion - so it could be great for both of us.
2) Donor eggs.  I am kind of coming around to the idea of donor eggs should all else fail.  I know that H is emphatically not in favor of it, but it's possible he may also come around after more time/failed attempts.  Maybe it's not so important to have the genetic link - I suspect once the baby is there, it's just your baby, and all you will care about is loving and taking care of him or her.

Of course, I am still holding out hope that we can conceive on our own.  But I think the only way I can survive this continual state of uncertainty is to plan for failure and realize that your Plan B is actually pretty great/satisfying.

That worked pretty well until...I decided to log in to Facebook.  It's been about a year since I logged in, so I had a bunch of messages from friend/acquaintances in highschool, college, etc.  There were pictures of a high school reunion this weekend which I missed, and looking through them one thing smacked me right in the face - EVERYONE had children.  And I mean everyone.  All the messages were about people's families, and how beautiful they were.  Oh man, it hurt.  My thin protective barrier of positive thinking just came crashing down.

I guess that's just the way it is with infertility.  I've heard it described as a wound which keeps getting opened up and prevents it from healing.  You bandage it up as best you can and for a while it's fine, but then the bandaid is ripped off and you're back right where you started.

But enough of that, I'm off to the appointment with a potential new RE.  Am hoping to hear a slightly more hopeful message, if only because he hasn't failed with me yet!  Will update once I'm back.