Infertility, What Hast Thou Done To Me?

Once upon a time, in a downtown Manhattan apartment, a young-ish woman and her slightly older husband-to-be were discussing having children.  Conversation went something like this:

YW:  I know that neither of us really feels ready to have kids, but if we want to start we should probably try soon.  I mean, we're not getting any younger.

OH:  Yeah, I guess we just have to take the plunge.  There's never a good time.

YW:  If it happens, it happens - if not, then it just wasn't meant to be.   It won't be a big deal, because we were never sure we wanted kids anyway.

OH:  Right on.

***
Fast forward through six months of "natural" conception efforts (that's good old fashioned sex, folks!), and the conversation went something like this:

YW:  Hmmm, while I am enjoying all of the forced, somewhat awkward sex we've been having, I think it may be time to get ourselves to the nearest infertility clinic to "check things out."  You know, just in case.  What do you think?

OH:  Okay, yeah.  Right on.

***

Fast forward through six months of testing, Clomid, IUIs, and some gloomy pronouncements from my RE ("I'm worried, your AMH levels are really low for your age!")   Couple decides to go to IVF, upon strong recommendation from RE.  Conversation goes:

YW:  Wow, I can't believe we're doing this.  So crazy.  But we won't let this take over our lives or spend a fortune on it, like other people do.  I just want to try this so we can feel like we exhausted our options before we give up.

OH:  Yeah, let's keep our perspective.  Let's not get crazy.  But okay, let's give it a go.

***
YW realizes she can't do her demanding, stressful job while doing IVF and decides to go on leave from work.  Hopes that she will get pregnant after first try and return to work in the fall.  Undergoes one, and then two, disastrous IVF attempts.  First one produces only 3 eggs, none of which make it to transfer.  Second IVF produces only 2 eggs, 1 of which makes it to transfer.  Negative pregnancy test.  Conversation last week:

YW (okay, ME, in tears):  I can't believe it, what is wrong with me?  I just feel like it's never going to happen.  We can't give up.  I want to find somewhere else to go.  What if we go to Colorado, they have amazing success rates.  They are a lot more expensive and we'd have to pay a lot out-of-pocket, but it's worth it, to have our baby.


HIM:  We'll do whatever you want.  I'll support you all the way.


***
zzzzt!  What happened??  Infertility, what hast thou done to me?  


If I was a Sex & the City character, I used to be somewhere between a Carrie and Miranda.  Wanted to be in love but also ruthlessly practical and a bit cynical of romance, babies, and marriage.  Working girl, had a career. 


Suddenly, after a mere year and a half of trying to have a baby, I have turned into CHARLOTTE.  I am TOTALLY CHARLOTTE, I IDENTIFY with Charlotte.  It's freaking me out, but it's true.  All I want to do is have a baby.  It's all I think about.  It's all I care about.  I AM OBSESSED.  


So I figure, if I'm am going to be obssessed, let's go all the way and start a freaking BLOG.  What do I have to lose?