Last Post

This will be my last post before we leave for India tomorrow.  I'm excited about the trip and nervous about getting our CCS results.  We will most likely get them midway through our trip, and I'm really hoping we don't get news that ruins the rest of the vacation for us.  Ugh, not going to think about it!

Not much news to report here.  We got the karyotype results back from my husband and they were normal, which is good.  I have left our email addresses with C.CRM in case they can't get through to us via cell phone - I hope there's enough WiFi around so we can check our mail.  I know I'm going to be compulsively checking it every day!

I have been thinking lately about what I would do in the event we don't have any normal embryos.  My gut is telling me that I would want to try one last time with my eggs.  I'm kind of surprised at myself - I thought I would give up after 3, but now I feel like 4 is the right number.  I am also thinking that I would ask Dr. S to increase my stim doses.  I doubt he'd want to, because 450iu seems like the max dose for most people - but I've done 450iu every time I've cycled and just once I'd like to see if upping the dosage would make a difference.  Just something I've been mulling over lately...

When I'm not thinking about our embryos, I've been busy doing a bunch of little house projects.  We are going to wallpaper and paint our entry hall and back hallway.  The paper we chose is really cool - I will post pics when it's done.

I also found a great vintage rocking chair and ottoman for our living room - it was 50% off, so I think we got a great deal.  Below is a picture - apparently it's by a designer named Milo Baughman.  How cool is that?

That's it for now.  I will be back in the new year, and looking forward to catching up with all of you then.  For anyone who is cycling over the holidays - best of luck!  For everyone else, I hope your holidays are full of laughter and love (and babies, or babies to come!)  See you all in 2012!

Thumb Twiddling

Thought I would post even though there's not a heck of a lot to report.   I'm sort of twiddling my thumbs over here trying not to think too much about the result we're going to get in a few weeks.  Somehow in the process of not doing much a week has elapsed, so that's good.  Just a few more weeks to go now...

I've noticed that since I got back from Denver I've been quite tired, and have been finding it hard to motivate.  Don't know if it's the winter weather, the aftermath of the drugs, or the impending onset of AF - but I've really been a slug.  I really want to lose a few pounds before we go to India, but I think it's going to be a challenge.

I saw a fascinating show on Charlie Rose the other day about the brain, both conscious and unconscious.  A panel of psychiatrists and scientists were discussing (among many other things) what an enormous role unconscious processing has in our ability to function.  Apparently there is a great deal more bandwidth to process information simultaneously in the unconscious than in the conscious mind.  The layperson's example they gave was what happens when you get stuck on figuring out a homework problem and decide to take a break.  After a walk around the block, you'll often find that the answer will come to you quite suddenly - this is an example of letting the unconscious process the information for you.

One of the panelists actually said that the unconscious mind is far superior to the conscious mind in terms of making complex decisions.  He said that it is important to gather all of the information consciously, but not over-think the issue after that, as it can sometimes lead to the wrong decisions.  The better way is to gather the information and then let it percolate in the unconscious mind for a while.  The decision will just come to you after that, and will often be the better one.

I thought this was really interesting, and (of course!) applied it to my current IF situation.  With the amount of information we have to process, and the difficult and complicated decisions we have to make, maybe sometimes it's better to just let things percolate rather than thinking about them too much.  I have a tendency to want to think things out (obsess) beforehand, but I've noticed that with this cycle I haven't been doing that as much.  Maybe that's actually a better way to handle things - less needless anxiety, better decisions?

Anyhow, some random food for thought on a rainy Wednesday.  Reading through the latest round of blog updates, many of us seem to be stuck in some sort of waiting period.  I hope for all of us that these periods pass as quickly as possible, so we can get to the good stuff!

And thanks to everyone for their lovely and positive comments to my last post - you all are keeping me going!

Embryo Update

So after waiting all day for an update, I finally broke down and called C.CRM for the report.  They hadn't frozen my embryos yet which was why they hadn't called me yet.

But the very nice person on the other end of the phone gave me some information:
1) The embryo they thought was questionable (ie, didn't fertilize normally) did not cleave, so it is definitely out of the running
2) The other two embryos seem to be developing well - one is a 10-cell, grade 3+ and the other is a 12-cell, grade 4-

They are about to freeze the embryos and then comes the long wait for results.

I am happy that at least the two I have seem to be coming along - and I am praying so hard that one of them turns out to be the one!!!

We are leaving on a 2 week trip to India in a couple of weeks.  I am SO glad, because it will be a great distraction while we wait for results.  Not to mention the fact that the trip itself should be amazing - we are flying into Mumbai and then travelling around Kerala, in the south of India.  We will be going with some great friends of ours who live there and who planned the whole thing for us - cannot wait.

Thanks to everyone for the amazing comments and support - I do not know what I would do without you guys!!

And Then There Were Two

I got back to New York last night and was too tired to blog, so I have a lot to catch up on.

The most important update is that we got a call from the embryologist yesterday morning stating that two out of the three eggs had fertilized normally.  Hence we will be doing polar body testing on the embryos as opposed to CCS.

I can only pray that one of these embryos turns out to be normal and is healthy enough to implant, but I know the chances are slim.  It's going to be an agonizing month-long wait.

On a brighter note, H and I had a lovely time in Denver.  It was so nice having him there, and the weather was beautiful.  I picked him up from the airport on Saturday night and drove into Denver for dinner.  We had intended to go to Sushiden, which looked great, but it was totally packed.  So instead we went next door to a place called Ototo, and had a great meal there - I liked it better than Rjoja.  Both restaurants are on Pearl Street, which seems to be the food mecca in Denver.  I also found this great list of Denver restaurants - next time we go I am going to try some of these, they all look pretty good.

That evening at 1:30am we triggered (a day earlier than I thought), and the next morning we went into C.CRM for bloodwork.  We then went to Whole Foods and picked up a few supplies, and bought some sunglasses for H who had forgotten to bring his.  For anyone who has never been to Denver - bring sunglasses!  It's always pretty bright there.

We went to Izakaya Den for lunch, which is a sister restaurant of Sushiden and the only restaurant on the list open for lunch on Sunday.  Following that, we went to the Botanical Gardens and had a leisurely walk through the grounds.  Then we saw the new Martin Scorcese film "Hugo," which was beautifully filmed and well-acted but ultimately just an okay movie.  And we finished off the evening with dinner at Olivea, which is number 15 on the top 25 restaurants list (and was the only one open on Sunday evening).  It was quite tasty, although not quite as good as Ototo.  A full day!

We went in the next morning to C.CRM and met with the genetic counselor.  She explained to us that they would likely be recommending polar body testing given my low numbers of eggs.  I was disappointed to learn that the success rate for transfer of a single, normal, polar-body tested embryo is only 11%.  That's pretty low.  So it really speaks to the fact that it's important to have more than one if you want better odds.

My retrieval was pretty easy and pleasant.  Dr. Su.rrey performed the retrieval and was very nice - he told us afterwards that they had "hit the bullseye" in terms of getting 3 eggs, which was their target.  I had very little side effects afterwards, and aside from a mild soreness in my ovaries, I'm pretty much back to normal.

Oh, and I also need to thank MyFertilityBlog for giving me the Liebster Blog award!  It's the first one I've gotten and it means so much to me - so thank you!  I would turn around and give this award right back to you because I love your blog, and have found it incredibly helpful.  But since I know you've already gotten it a couple of times now, I'll send this on to some others!


Here are the five blogs I want to give this award to (I could name like 10 more, but I won't!):
1) TurtleMama at TortoiseBaby
2) Jen at Jelly's Bean
3) Jay at Stuck in a Baby Drought
4) Libby at Something Happened on the Way to Baby
5) Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish

All of these ladies have given so much help and support to others while sharing their own stories in an open and honest way.  I wish all of you the very best!

That's it for now.  I am expecting an update call tomorrow from C.CRM with what I PRAY is good news about our embryos.  Fingers crossed!!

Retrieval

So turns out that I ended up triggering one day earlier (Sat night) after all.   Thank goodness my husband flew in that day or else we would have been in trouble.   It ended up being a little hectic because we had to cram in all of our genetics appointment just before retrieval, but we got everything done.

They got 3 eggs - I obviously wanted more, but I guess it could have been worse.  I just have to pray for good quality...please please please?

My husband and I had a lovely day yesterday - I have a lot to write about but am still kinda groggy so will hold off until I get back to NYC tomorrow.  Fingers crossed for a great fertilization report!!

Grateful

I just want to say how grateful I am for all of the comments on my last post.  I was feeling down in the dumps and you ladies lifted me up, every one of you.

Elliej, thanks in particular for sharing your story - you gave me a glimmer of hope.  And your word verification ("bumpo") - here's hoping that's a sign!  Hopeandeffort, I tried to send you my email but not sure it went through?  If you post a comment with a mail address I'd be happy to send you my email - glad to provide any insight I can on choosing C.CRM vs NYC clinics.

I went in for my u/s this morning and we're still tracking 3 large ones and one smaller one.  The largest one is 20 - I am really hoping to get pushed out one more day to see if the smaller one (only a 10) can catch up, but it will depend on my bloodwork and the Dr.'s call.

My husband arrives in a few hours, which will make everything easier.  I was getting to the end of my rope here trying to entertain myself.

In the mean time, I am closing my eyes and saying a little prayer that I get pushed out one more day and my little follicle catches up!

Sad

I just got back from my u/s - still only four follicles, after 7 days of stims.  There are really only 3 that look viable, the other one is behind.  I may be triggering tomorrow, so there's almost no hope that any more are going to appear.

I am crushed.  I was really hoping for at least one or two more follicles/eggs than last time.  At most they will get 3 eggs, and it's very likely there will be less.  After all of this time and effort, and going to the best clinic money can buy, I'm getting the exact same result as before.  I just have to face it, this is the best my body is ever going to do.

I was going to go out and do some things today but the wind has totally been taken out of my sails.  I'm too depressed and numb to even cry.

I know that "it only takes one."  I know there are tons of stories about women who have that miraculous lone embryo that gets them pregnant.  But the basic fact is that this cycle is almost certainly not going to work.  I don't even feel like continuing, to be honest with you, but I know that I should just see it through.  We've gone this far.

I'm really, really sad.

Greetings from Denver

Hello all, I'm sitting here in my room at the Element Hotel writing this...in Denver at last!

First off, I wanted to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for your comments over the past couple of weeks - each and every one means so much to me, and I can't thank you all enough.

Brief recap of my time thus far:
I got to the airport yesterday afternoon, and of course my plane was overbooked.  Had a stressful couple of hours where I had to wait for people to voluntarily reschedule before I got a seat.  Thank goodness I eventually got on, although they put me in a middle seat on the most crowded, uncomfortably packed flight I've been in for a while.  I felt very crumpled and overheated by the time I finally deplaned.

On my way in from the airport I stopped off to get dinner at Rjoja, which is in downtown Denver and just a short detour on the way to Lone Tree.  I recommend it - has a nice atmosphere and an eclectic menu.  I had a very civilized dinner there and got to the hotel about 9pm.

Went to C.CRM this morning for my u/s and bloodwork.  They were extremely busy this morning, and everyone was rushing around like mad - probably trying to get things wrapped up before tomorrow.  They counted only four follicles at this point (two on the left, two on the right), ranging from 6 to 14.  I am disappointed there aren't more, but am trying to stay hopeful.  This is after 5 days of stims, so I have a little time yet to improve the situation.

When I got done, I did a bunch of shopping for supplies - went to Walgreens and bought a huge thing of lotion and some moisturizing shampoo/conditioner.  It is so dry here that my skin and hair feel thirsty all the time.  I also went to Whole Foods and stocked up on snacks and food supplies.  And then (don't laugh at me) I went to IKEA on a whim and bought a cheap ($10) paper lamp because the fluorescent lighting in the room here is depressing.  That's my only complaint about the hotel - otherwise it is clean and comfortable.  Once I get a lightbulb for this thing I'm hoping it'll cheer things up a bit...I'm a big believer in proper lighting!

I got back to the room late afternoon and waited for my phone call from C.CRM.  I wanted to get my full results with E2/LH, so I could compare them with my last couple of cycles.  Unfortunately like a dummy I had switched my ringer off and I missed the call.  That seriously bummed me out - I was not scheduled to go back to C.CRM until Friday so I would have had to wait 2 whole days to get another report.

Luckily I managed to get a hold of someone at the clinic and they were kind enough to read me my results - E2 is 468 (up from 147) and LH is 7.2, up from 4.3.   Of course I don't totally know what this means but I do know that you want your E2 to be rising and that they estimate one egg to equal about 200 of estrogen.  And in comparing these results to my last 2 cycles, it does look like my E2 is higher than either of the last two at this point (5 days of stims).  Not that that's saying much - I barely made any eggs at all in those cycles.

They have started me on Ganerilex as of tonight, and I'll be taking it every day until trigger.  I have been speaking sternly to my ovaries telling them not to ovulate early.

I'll be alone tomorrow on Thanksgiving, but am planning on doing a videochat with H and buying some ready-made turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes from Whole Foods.  I also have a couple of movies, so I should be all set.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with good food and lots of love.  Will update soon!

Denver Bound

Tomorrow I am flying to Denver - at long last!

I've been rather busy the last week or so, which has been good for me.  Haven't felt too anxious or nervous just yet, even with all of the injections & pills.  I was even pretty chilled out about missing today's call from C.CRM.  I was hoping to get details from my nurse about E2 and follicles, but since it was just a voicemail she only included my instructions.  I could have called back to ask, but then I said - what's the point?  I'll be out there soon enough.

However, the next ultrasound you can bet I'll be asking a lot of questions - that will be after 5 days of meds, and I am hoping for better progress than my last 2 cycles.  It's a LOW bar, so I am really hoping to beat it.

I feel pretty good physically.  I can feel a bit of pressure in my ovaries, and have been having those horrible Clomid hot flashes, particularly at night.  But other than that, I'm doing pretty well.  If it's anything like before, the Clomid emotional spikes will start to hit in a few days - and then we'll see how good I feel!

That's it for now.  I'll be dragging my computer out to Denver so I look forward to doing a lot of blog reading & writing in the next week.  I hope everyone has a happy & healthy Thanksgiving holiday!

Ladies, Start Your Engines..

..because as of this afternoon, it's a go!  

I had my u/s and bloodwork this morning and all was well.  C.CRM cleared me to begin medications tomorrow, and I will be flying out to Denver on Tuesday for the remainder of the cycle.  Can't believe it's finally here!  I am so relieved to get past the first step.

It's going to be rather odd shooting up in a hotel room alone on Thanksgiving, but (sad as it is) I'd rather be doing that than anything else at this point.  I am so ready to get some answers - anything that brings me closer to that step is welcome right now.

The part I will absolutely hate is having to talk to my family and lie about where I am, but I just have to.  It's so much easier doing this without the weight of other people's hopes and expectations to contend with.  And I have all of you for support, which is why I'm so glad I have this blog.

I highly doubt any of you will be in Denver next week given that it's Thanksgiving, but if anyone is and feels like meeting up, drop me a line!  It would be nice to meet some of you and have some company while I wait to H to show up.  

That's it for now.  Cross your fingers for me, I need all the help I can get!

Waiting on Flo (Again)

She's kind of arrived, but not fully.  I would normally be willing to bet that tomorrow will be the day, but after last time (where she took five days of drips and drabs to fully arrive) I can't do that.

Not such a big deal except for planning flights.  I am trying to weigh how much more I will spend by waiting until just before I leave to book flights vs. getting charged penalties for changing your ticket if I book now.  Plus I won't really know until after my Day 2 u/s & bloodwork whether I am fully cleared to go or not - they could still find a cyst or something.   I guess I'll just wait until then before booking and suck up the extra cost.  Would be curious to know what other people did?

C.CRM did finally receive my questionable HSG report, and the good news is that I'm cleared to proceed, at least for the retrieval.  I wasn't sure if I still may have to do something prior to transfer, need to clarify that.

I'm really ready to get through this cycle and find out the results.  I seem to be doing better at managing my anxiety this time - that wedding trip really helped.  My expectations are also so much lower after what I've been through.  While I'm sure I will still be devastated if this doesn't work, I feel more prepared for bad news then I was last time.  However, once I start pumping all those meds into my body I'm sure I'll start to lose my sanity soon enough!

I've been trying to lose a couple of pounds in advance of this cycle so the weight gain doesn't get out of control, but I've just given up.  Too many things going on right now - vanity will have to come later!

Annoyed again

So I sent a follow up email to my nurse asking if the karyotype results for my husband had come back because I only received mine.  She told me they never performed a karyotype analysis on him.  I then asked her to check with Dr. S because my impression was that he wanted it done on both of us.

This morning I get an email from her stating that Dr. S confirmed that a karyotype should have been done on my husband.  This is so annoying, I don't know why this keeps happening!  The whole point of the karyotyping was to potentially save us from doing an IVF in the instance that either me or my husband had chromosomal abnormalities.  Now it's too late to do that - we have to go forward without it, which is really irritating me.

My husband, in his typical calm fashion, pointed out that the chances of there being a problem are slim, so it probably doesn't matter.  But to me that's beside the point - they should be getting these details right, without me catching these mistakes for them.

At this point I am going to keep things status quo, but once we get through this cycle I may request another nurse.  It's just one too many times where this has happened.  Argh.

I'm Back

Am now officially married in the eyes of both the state and our families.  We had a lovely, lovely trip and wedding, just what we hoped for.  Unfortunately I have to apologize in advance for not posting pictures - I'm having trouble getting everything downloaded for some reason.  Will get to it at some point, I promise!

In the mean time, I'm feeling really good - getting away and being completely absorbed in another set of activities did wonders for my mental/emotional state.  It's really clear to me now how bad it is sitting at home and obsessing about IF stuff....have to work on that.

The best part is that I'm now only a week or so away from kicking off this cycle.  Thank goodness it's finally here, not a moment too soon.  Hopefully I can hang onto this vacation glow as long as possible and keep the anxiety to a minimum.

Got a couple pieces of good news back from testing.  My FSH came in at 7.0 and my karyotype results are normal, so that's a relief.

I did a lot of catching up on blogs yesterday and today - seems like things are progressing pretty well in general.  A lot of people getting further along in their pregnancies and/or starting cycles after long waits.  I hope everyone gets the babies they deserve (including me!)

Am off now to eat some dinner - it's good to be back!

Halloween Blizzard

Woke up this morning and saw snow and sleet blowing sideways out the window.  Jeez people, it's not even November yet.  I had a long list of errands I wanted to run today, but that's definitely not happening now.  I guess it's going to be a blog and wedding ceremony writing day instead.

It's been an okay week.  H has been off travelling with his family for a week in advance of the wedding.  They came from Europe so they decided to make a longer trip of it.  So I've been alone at home doing lots of tedious arranging of various things - the wedding, IVF, and the remodel of our bathroom.  The latter has been the absolute worst - just a comedy of errors and incompetence.  I can't even talk about it here, it makes me too steamed!

As my IVF cycle date nears, I find I am getting increasingly anxious.  I am trying very hard to stay on an even keel, and realize that what will be, will be.  Instead I fluctuate wildly from (unrealistic) fantasies about having an amazing cycle with lots of eggs to getting depressed at how poor my chances are given my past response.  Every time I find myself too far on one side of the spectrum I try to bring myself back to the middle, but it's hard.

I just read a blog from someone who is almost exactly the same as me in terms of stats, age, and past cycle response.  She cycled again with a new protocol and (surprise surprise) had exactly the same response.  Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

Not that I regret my decision to cycle again - I don't.  I feel very comfortable that we need to do this if only to move on emotionally from using my eggs.  And I am also going to let myself off the hook for feeling negatively about this cycle.  I read this post from the Infertility Therapist on "the negatives of positive thinking," and I think it is spot on.  For those of us who have consistently had poor results and have been told by reputable doctors that our chances of success are small, it would be crazy to be overly hopeful.  But somehow our culture tells us to stay positive, to not give up, as if it is a failing to accept reality rather than a rational response to difficult circumstances.  By the way, if you haven't already you should definitely check this blog out - all of it!  I think she is just fantastic - a very balanced, nuanced perspective on dealing with infertility.

I am so thankful that I have the wedding next week to distract me.  It will be nice getting out of here and into some sunshine and scenery.  Not to mention spending time with family - we all live so far from each other that it's rare for us to get together in one place.

And when I get back, there will just be one week until I hopefully kick off this cycle.  I can't wait for it to be over, honestly.  Just want to stop the endless wondering and speculating about what will or won't happen.  So tired of it.

Sorry for what has turned out to be a gloomy and disjointed post - a reflection of the weather and my state of mind!  I think when the sun comes out tomorrow a more sunny attitude will come with it...here's hoping.

Now What?

Big day today.  I shipped off the Day 3 bloods that had been burning a hole in my freezer since Thursday.  And I went to my old clinic/RE to do an HSG.  All I can say is....ouch!  That shit hurt.

But none of that would have been a big deal if she hadn't found something kind of suspicious looking on the xray.  My tubes are fine, but there was a round, dime-sized, unidentified something on my uterus that looked like...well, like it could be something (a fibroid maybe, she wasn't sure).  My doctor offered to perform a saline sonogram (which I've also had done before) to see if she could see anything, but we agreed to first let Dr. S take a look and decide if we need to.  He did perform a hysteroscopy at my ODWU and pronounced my uterus fine, although he said there was a slight bowing at the top that he worried at first was a fibroid.

I really really really REALLY hope there isn't going to be a call for further digging around and, G-- forbid, more surgery.  I've already had a saline sonohystogram, a polyp removed, a hysteroscopy and an HSG.  I have zero bid for any more procedures that don't involve getting eggs or putting them back in.

Oof.

At least that's over with for now.  And I've started testosterone and estrogen priming - so far no chest hair, Adam's apple, or any other craziness.  Although I have been threatening my husband that if he messes with me next week I might be feeling manly enough to bitch-slap him.  

Anyone reading/listening please send a collective prayer to the Powers That Be that this dot on my xray turns out to be nothing and I don't have to do any other procedures.   Pretty please?  With agave nectar on top?

Donor Egg Discussion

I've been meaning to write a post for a while about donor eggs.  It's something I've been giving a lot of thought to as we get ready for our last 1 or 2 cycles with my eggs.

When my doctor first brought up the idea, which was right after my first failed IVF, I was stunned.  Both H and I had a very strong "not for us" reaction.  But after another poor response to IVF and several depressing second opinions, I have completely transformed my thinking around this issue.  I really believe this could be a great solution for us if things don't work out the way we planned.  In fact, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is knowing that we have a real shot at succeeding with donor eggs should all else fail.

That's not to say I don't have reservations and concerns - I think everyone does at some point.  But they seem manageable in comparison to the scenario of having no baby at all.

Unfortunately, H is definitely not in the same place as I am on this decision.  I started to broach the topic with him right after our second failed IVF.  Knowing that he wouldn't otherwise think about it, I asked him to give some serious thought to the issue over the next few months.   He agreed to do so, but of course never really did.

I say "of course" because among H's many wonderful qualities is an ability to live in the now.  He takes life as it comes, and generally enjoys the hell out of every day.  I envy him this quality - I think this is how he maintains such balance and equanimity.  I, on the other hand, tend to grab difficult problems by the horns and try to work through them right there and then.  I think through possibilities, imagine and plan for future scenarios, and try to prepare myself emotionally for what's to come.  I guess that makes me sort of a control freak, but it also makes me more organized and prepared.

Last week I brought up donor eggs again, and we had our first serious discussion.  I asked him whether he'd thought about it since we last spoke, and he admitted that he hadn't thought about it much more.  He reiterated, however, that he wasn't on board with the idea.  If worst came to worst, he'd rather live child free - he feels we could still have a great life without children.  I told him that I didn't disagree - we could have a very nice life without children.  It would be very comfortable, much less stressful, and much more free.    But we would be missing out on one of life's great gifts, one of the things that connects us most directly to Nature and to our humanity.  And that thought makes me sad, and would continue to make me sad later in life.  Would it ruin my life?  Absolutely not.  Would I have regrets about it?  I'm pretty sure I would.

I probed a little further into what his reservations were.  Was it purely having the genetic link that was the issue?  After all, he has been willing to go to pretty extensive lengths to have our own children, so why not with donor eggs?  And we uncovered that, yes, not having children with my genetic material was the main issue.  However, he is slightly more comfortable knowing that the children would be genetically his.  If it were the opposite case (my eggs, donor sperm) he said he would really not be on board.

And this is where we left things off.  I am not going to push the issue too far while we still have a chance at my own eggs - there's no point.  But I'm hoping to slowly acclimate him to the idea and get him to evolve his thinking.  I don't blame him for resisting - I did too.  And I don't ever want to force him into such a big decision - he has to be truly on board, because he will be a 50% partner to me in raising a child and that is a huge responsibility.  But I am hoping that as he thinks about it more, he will come to the same place as I have.  All I can do is get him to think about it with an open mind.  The rest will be up to him.

More on this to come.  I hope we will never have to reach a decision on this topic, but looking objectively at our chances it's far likelier that we will then that we won't.  And I'd rather be prepared when that time comes.  In the mean time, am very glad I have a place to share all of these thoughts - sometimes I don't know what I would do without this blog (and all of you)!

Off to the Races

I woke up this morning with an even lighter period than yesterday.  I decided to call C.CRM and ask what I should do.  My nurse was out so I spoke to one of the backup nurses (Annie), who was really great.  We mutually decided that my period was probably lighter because of the hysteroscopy and that we should consider yesterday Day 1.  So I'm off to the races!

I get Day 3 bloods drawn tomorrow and will start estrace.  Friday I will start testosterone priming.  And Monday I have my HSG.  Things are moving along now.  The only issue I will have is doing another testosterone test while I'm off getting married - hopefully C.CRM will give me some flexibility on that one.

I really hope all of this effort won't be in vain!  I am going to try to keep a "what will be, will be" attitude for this cycle.  High hopes but low expectations.  

Sometimes I wish I had a fast forward button for life - I want to blow past all of the anxiety and fear and worry that will be coming over the next few months and arrive at whatever the result is.  Even if it's failure, at least I would know the answer.  It's the waiting that kills you....  

Full Flo?

Still waiting on "full flow before 5pm," the C.CRM definition of Day 1.  This is one of the weirder periods I've had - have been spotting with increasing (but not full!) intensity since Thursday last week, but it's still not here.  At least I think it's not here, am beginning to wonder.   It could be that the bleeding I had following the Hysteroscopy at my ODWU is giving me a lighter-than-normal period now.  In which case today (or yesterday) could be my Day 1?  I certainly have all of the usual signs - pale, fatigued, crampy, moody.

I guess I'll give it until tomorrow and see.  If I don't get anything more by then I think I'm going to assume there just isn't going to be more and call it Day 1.

All of my meds have arrived, and it's really hitting me that I'm actually doing this again.  I just hope that the testosterone and estrogen don't cause too many side effects just before our wedding.  Would be kind of embarrassing to go there with facial hair and a lower voice!  At a minimum I am expecting bad skin and/or moodiness.  Am really glad it's just going to be family...

H's sperm analysis came back - it was just okay.  He had normal count, low-ish motility and rate.  I think his sample was probably compromised by the fact that he had just come back from his bachelor party and was hung over, recuperating from a stomach bug, and had a bad cold/flu.  He's always been fine in the past.  They are recommending ICSI, which I think we would have to do in any case because of CCS.
My AMH came back at 0.5, slightly lower than it has been in the past.  It will be really interesting to see where my FSH comes out when I do Day 3 bloods - I've read that people tend to get higher readings from C.CRM then they do from other labs, don't know if that's true.

This is kind of a boring post...just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Flo.  Hope she gets here soon.

A Better Day

Thanks so much, ladies, for your comments and advice on my last post.  It's nice to know I wasn't being crazy for worrying.  I ultimately ended up sending my nurse a courteous and friendly email to her personal mailbox stating some of my concerns.  She responded back this morning and said that she totally understood why I would be concerned and apologized for getting confused.  She also clarified that while it would of course be easier to do the priming after they get Day 3 bloodwork that my treatment won't get compromised in any way.  It just means that things may be a bit more hectic and rushed as we get all the pieces in place.  She also said that she re-reviewed Dr S's orders and is confident we are doing the right things.

So I feel a bit better.  My husband still wants me to call them and see if I can switch nurses (he agrees with you, Sooz) but I am leaning towards not doing it.  Don't want to change horses mid-stream - might cause even more confusion at this point.

And after all the running around yesterday and this morning (blood tests, ordering meds, etc), of course AF is nowhere in sight today.  Barely spotting.  Ha!  Oh well, this just means I'll be better prepared as opposed to scrambling last minute...

On another note, I got a call yesterday from an interior designer (who happens to be a client/friend of H's) that we worked with a little on our apartment renovation.  She's my age and went to a college not far from mine so we have a lot in common.  We got to chatting and it turns out that she's in the midst of trying to get pregnant and will likely be starting IVF in the new year.  I probably scared her with the amount of information I downloaded on her!  In any case, it was nice to talk to someone my age going through the same thing, instead of the many, many friends I have who seem to get pregnant on their own with little problem.

Off to take care of a few more bits and bobs and then I am going to lie down on the sofa and assume a vegetable state.  Whew!

Arrrgh.

This has been one of the more annoying days I've had since I went on leave 5 months ago.  I feel like I normally feel after an aggravating day at work.  I'll try not to bore you with every detail, but here's a synopsis:
1) I lost my internet connection and spent 2 hours with Time Warner Cable and various other tech helplines to fix the issues
2) My printer stopped working because it couldn't connect to my computer through the internet
3) I started spotting and cramping so I think AF is coming tomorrow (3 days early, off of an already short cycle - weird!)
4) Realizing that tomorrow might be Day 1 and therefore Sunday would be Day 3, I started calling around to labs to see where I could get my Day 3 bloods drawn & separated per C.CRM's instructions.  NO ONE would do it - not LabCorp, Qwest, Manhattan Labs, 2 hospitals.  They were either closed on Sunday or would not do the blood processing if they weren't being paid to perform the tests themselves.  I eventually called up one of the nice nurses at my old clinic and begged, and she was kind enough to get me set up there.
5) Also realized that if tomorrow is Day 1 that my HSG is now scheduled outside the normal Day 5 - Day 10 day window they give you.  It's now going to be on Day 11.  I hardly think that matters, but C.CRM might not agree.
6) Was supposed to get my Chem22 and testosterone checked today but with all that was going on I missed the window.  Also couldn't print out my orders because my printer wasn't working!
7) Called my C.CRM nurse to discuss all of the above and had an alarming conversation where it seemed like she was not at all on top of the details of my protocol.  This is the 4th or 5th time I've had a conversation like this and I'm getting kinda concerned.

Out of all of the above, the thing that bothers me most is #6.  I have probably corrected my nurse (very nicely and courteously) on things she has gotten wrong 10 times in the last few weeks - and these are important things, like which protocol I am on!   Because I keep questioning things, she has gone back 4 or 5 times to clarify things with Dr S and every time she comes back I have been right and she was wrong.  This is getting me scared - I shouldn't be correcting her, she should be correcting me, right?

Tonight she got confused about when I'm supposed to start estrace - Day 1 or Day 3.  She originally said Day 3 and then today she said start it tomorrow.  I then asked if she was sure - wouldn't taking it Day 1 mess up my Day 3 blood test where they test for E2?  She said no, but then went back and read the notes and realized that Dr S had said to take it on the evening of Day 3.  I could tell she was kind of embarrassed and she said "This is what happens when you start the cycle before all of the testing is done (ie, making the decision to prime on the same month I'm drawing Day 3 bloods).  But as long as you're okay with it, I guess we can move ahead."

Okay with what?  I'm definitely not okay with my cycle getting screwed up!  If I thought that cycling in November would compromise the quality of my treatment in any way I would never have asked to do it - who would?  But they cleared me to go ahead so I am making the assumption that my care won't suffer as a result.  I think that should go without saying.

I meant to call her back to clarify that directly with her, but she left before we could speak.  I want to have that conversation directly though - it's important to me that she knows that I am not willing to rush things and have something go wrong with my protocol as a result.  Hopefully I will actually get in touch with her tomorrow (that's the other thing, no matter how many times I call I never hear back from her until 6:30pm EST time, which is really late!)  Has anyone else experienced these issues or is it just me?  I wonder if they are a little overwhelmed right now because they've grown to quickly.

Don't mean to whine & complain too much, I just had to vent some frustration.  I feel better now (exhale).

Here's hoping for smoother sailing tomorrow.