Woke up this morning and saw snow and sleet blowing sideways out the window. Jeez people, it's not even November yet. I had a long list of errands I wanted to run today, but that's definitely not happening now. I guess it's going to be a blog and wedding ceremony writing day instead.
It's been an okay week. H has been off travelling with his family for a week in advance of the wedding. They came from Europe so they decided to make a longer trip of it. So I've been alone at home doing lots of tedious arranging of various things - the wedding, IVF, and the remodel of our bathroom. The latter has been the absolute worst - just a comedy of errors and incompetence. I can't even talk about it here, it makes me too steamed!
As my IVF cycle date nears, I find I am getting increasingly anxious. I am trying very hard to stay on an even keel, and realize that what will be, will be. Instead I fluctuate wildly from (unrealistic) fantasies about having an amazing cycle with lots of eggs to getting depressed at how poor my chances are given my past response. Every time I find myself too far on one side of the spectrum I try to bring myself back to the middle, but it's hard.
I just read a blog from someone who is almost exactly the same as me in terms of stats, age, and past cycle response. She cycled again with a new protocol and (surprise surprise) had exactly the same response. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?
Not that I regret my decision to cycle again - I don't. I feel very comfortable that we need to do this if only to move on emotionally from using my eggs. And I am also going to let myself off the hook for feeling negatively about this cycle. I read this post from the Infertility Therapist on "the negatives of positive thinking," and I think it is spot on. For those of us who have consistently had poor results and have been told by reputable doctors that our chances of success are small, it would be crazy to be overly hopeful. But somehow our culture tells us to stay positive, to not give up, as if it is a failing to accept reality rather than a rational response to difficult circumstances. By the way, if you haven't already you should definitely check this blog out - all of it! I think she is just fantastic - a very balanced, nuanced perspective on dealing with infertility.
I am so thankful that I have the wedding next week to distract me. It will be nice getting out of here and into some sunshine and scenery. Not to mention spending time with family - we all live so far from each other that it's rare for us to get together in one place.
And when I get back, there will just be one week until I hopefully kick off this cycle. I can't wait for it to be over, honestly. Just want to stop the endless wondering and speculating about what will or won't happen. So tired of it.
Sorry for what has turned out to be a gloomy and disjointed post - a reflection of the weather and my state of mind! I think when the sun comes out tomorrow a more sunny attitude will come with it...here's hoping.