The Not-So-Sexy Infertility Adventures of a Girl in the Big Apple

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Halloween Blizzard

Woke up this morning and saw snow and sleet blowing sideways out the window.  Jeez people, it's not even November yet.  I had a long list of errands I wanted to run today, but that's definitely not happening now.  I guess it's going to be a blog and wedding ceremony writing day instead.

It's been an okay week.  H has been off travelling with his family for a week in advance of the wedding.  They came from Europe so they decided to make a longer trip of it.  So I've been alone at home doing lots of tedious arranging of various things - the wedding, IVF, and the remodel of our bathroom.  The latter has been the absolute worst - just a comedy of errors and incompetence.  I can't even talk about it here, it makes me too steamed!

As my IVF cycle date nears, I find I am getting increasingly anxious.  I am trying very hard to stay on an even keel, and realize that what will be, will be.  Instead I fluctuate wildly from (unrealistic) fantasies about having an amazing cycle with lots of eggs to getting depressed at how poor my chances are given my past response.  Every time I find myself too far on one side of the spectrum I try to bring myself back to the middle, but it's hard.

I just read a blog from someone who is almost exactly the same as me in terms of stats, age, and past cycle response.  She cycled again with a new protocol and (surprise surprise) had exactly the same response.  Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

Not that I regret my decision to cycle again - I don't.  I feel very comfortable that we need to do this if only to move on emotionally from using my eggs.  And I am also going to let myself off the hook for feeling negatively about this cycle.  I read this post from the Infertility Therapist on "the negatives of positive thinking," and I think it is spot on.  For those of us who have consistently had poor results and have been told by reputable doctors that our chances of success are small, it would be crazy to be overly hopeful.  But somehow our culture tells us to stay positive, to not give up, as if it is a failing to accept reality rather than a rational response to difficult circumstances.  By the way, if you haven't already you should definitely check this blog out - all of it!  I think she is just fantastic - a very balanced, nuanced perspective on dealing with infertility.

I am so thankful that I have the wedding next week to distract me.  It will be nice getting out of here and into some sunshine and scenery.  Not to mention spending time with family - we all live so far from each other that it's rare for us to get together in one place.

And when I get back, there will just be one week until I hopefully kick off this cycle.  I can't wait for it to be over, honestly.  Just want to stop the endless wondering and speculating about what will or won't happen.  So tired of it.

Sorry for what has turned out to be a gloomy and disjointed post - a reflection of the weather and my state of mind!  I think when the sun comes out tomorrow a more sunny attitude will come with's hoping.


  1. It's OK to not be positive all of the time - I don't think it's normal. I try to stay optimistic, but as you said you have to balance that with reality and prepare that things could go either way. I think that's much healthier personally. Good luck with all of the wedding stuff!! You need to post a wedding day pic!

  2. Newbie - it is so hard to keep emotions from swinging wildly from one extreme to the other. I found that it was so much easier for other people to be positive for me. I really hope that this cycle works for you! You are doing everything possible to make it happen, so you can at least take comfort in this and just trust that CCRM will turn your luck around. Enjoy your wedding week!

  3. How exciting you wedding is next week. That will definitely help take your mind off things. Have Fun! Don't worry about how you sound in your posts. I try to be super honest on how I am always feeling and IF sucks. It's not fun and it's not fair. I was a mess throughout the entire IVF process and some days are definitely better than others. Hang in there.

  4. We always hope for the best while preparing for the worst. I'm also always saying, "hey, can't say I didn't try." I know, cliches, but it gets me through. I remember hearing Dr. saying at a seminar that egg quality can vary greatly every month, and he used his daughter as an example of having all abnormal eggs one cycle, but the next cycle had like half normal or something like that. My point is, you never know! I didn't know you were getting ready for a wedding! Hope it's fabulous!

  5. It's totally normal (well in my opinion) to feel a bit negative. You have to for your own sanity. I think that ultimately I get more stressed out from trying to remain positive. When chippie said to me stop stressing it made me feel that if it didn't work it was a result of me stressing and being upset. It is a crock, there is no medical evidence to suggest that stressing out causing you to fail IVF. Gee I went off on a tangent there.

    You have so much on at the moment so make sure you take some time out for you as well. This last cycle a few of us did a creativity / inspiration challenge to distract us. The benefit was I spent a lot of time doing things just for me, not for other people which was super important. And I am not going to say it only takes ONE, fk that drove me crazy when people said that to me!!!!!

  6. oh and finally - have a GREAT wedding! pics please!

  7. Thank you so much for sharing that link! I really enjoyed reading her articles! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Wow, you do have a lot on your plate right now. Yes!!! You have to post photos!! :-)

  8. Wait a moment. Are you getting married at the same time as all this?!! Wow, talk about a lot on. Hopefully though each will distract from the other at the whenever you need a break from one.

    Best of luck.