The Not-So-Sexy Infertility Adventures of a Girl in the Big Apple

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I'm Baaack

Home, Sweet Home.  Back from Venice and Paris, both of which were beautiful and fabulous and completely saved my sanity and emotional health.  Because you see, right before I left for this trip I had a total meltdown.  I think it was a delayed reaction to those two doctor's appointments, where I was told that my chances of success were extremely, extremely low - a 5 - 10% estimated chance of success with IVF.  So low that my current clinic wouldn't continue treatment unless I did donor eggs.

I felt okay right after hearing the news, but the next morning I woke up crying, and didn't stop for most of the rest of the day.  Honestly, I was shocked at the intensity of my reaction - I didn't realize how PAINFUL this would be.  I cannot remember the last time I cried all day about anything - I honestly think it may have been 20 years ago.   I ended up composing a long and probably crazy-sounding mail to my mother and sister, which I'll post separately, which outlined the facts of my case and things I wanted to sensitize them to in terms of how best to support me.  And I cried the entire time I was writing it!

So thank GOD we left for this trip, which gave me a glimpse of what life could be like with no children.  H and I talked about learning French, doing an apartment swap in Paris - things that would be so much easier and more possible in a life free of children.  I haven't given up yet, and if I can't have a child with my own eggs I still may want to pursue donor eggs.  But it was still nice to feel life being big again and filled with possibilities that had nothing to do with children.

And H and I have started trying naturally again while we wait for IVF clinic #2.  So I'm technically in my 2WW although my expectations are so low it hardly counts.  Nevertheless, it's nice to keep feeling a little bit of hope every cycle...I was feeling so hopeless there for a while.

My appointment with C.CRM is in one week - if anyone is reading, please keep your fingers crossed that it goes well!  I don't think I could take it if he won't take me on - they feel like my best chance of success and it would be a blow to not have the opportunity to at least try there.  So here's hoping!

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