The Not-So-Sexy Infertility Adventures of a Girl in the Big Apple

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Scared of Hope

First of all, thank you ladies for all of the advice on where to stay in CO.  The Element was my first choice, but it was unfortunately fully booked so I ended up at the Hyatt Park Meadows.  Justagirl, thanks for that tip on asking for the Skybridge Medical Rate - I tried asking for the CCRM discount when I called the Element and they didn't have any.  When I go there for the longer stay I'm definitely going to try to book there, so good to know...

I read Goldie's latest update on her blog - she got pregnant at CCRM, which is fantastic news!  Out of all of the people who I have been following, her profile seems closest to mine - same age, same diagnosis of DOR, similar history of poor response to prior IVF attempts.  The fact that she was able to have success at CCRM gives me so much hope, even though rationally I know that every woman is different and her success doesn't really mean anything about my success.  But I can't help but feel uplifted by her story - maybe, just maybe...?

At the same time, having renewed hope is SCARING ME TO DEATH.  I feel like that breakdown I had prior to going on vacation was the beginning stages of grief and acceptance of my situation.   I was starting to come to terms with what it would mean to not have babies with my own eggs - a dog, donor eggs, etc.  But now I feel myself backtracking towards hope again, and I just don't want to experience that devastation again.  Ugh.

Going through IF requires such an emotional juggling act.  On the one hand, you're trying to stay somewhat positive so that you can live your life and have the energy to continue giving yourself shots and enduring procedures.  On the other hand, you're trying to prepare yourself for the worst, and accept the fact that the outcome is out of your control and the odds are (given past failures) not in your favor.   With all of these balls in the air, it's no wonder that periodically they come crashing down.  And it's no wonder that we all get a little crazy in the process!

Thanks goodness I discovered blogging and all of you.  I don't know what I would do without you!


  1. It's so hard to balance your feelings through all of this. I ride the roller coaster daily between hope and despair - it's tough, but what I do KNOW is that CC.RM is the best of the best and if anyone can help me, they can. Try and hang onto that hope!

  2. Hi Newbie - There are so many success stories at CCRM, so I think you have a good reason to be hopeful. On their website, CCRM posted a video clip from a Baby Reunion fundraiser they did this summer. It brought tears to my eyes, so many little miracles walking around and being held by their happy parents.