Since yesterday I have to admit I've been freaking out a bit about this twin thing. I'm kind of ashamed about it, because I should be just overjoyed to be pregnant at all (and I am, I am!). But I am also scared, anxious, and filled with regret about not doing eSET. I'm not proud of it, but it's true.
Hubby was amazing last night and talked me off the ledge more than once. Thank goodness he is a natural optimist, and always looks on the bright side of life. He's going to need all of that optimism to get his crazy wife through this!
And yes, I know that there is still a possibility that this is a singleton after all. But I checked out the Betabase and out of the 2,900 singleton betas recorded there guess how many were as high or higher than mine? Less than 31. Meaning less than 1%. So it is very, very, VERY likely that I have twins cooking, and I need to just get my head around that fact. If I can.
I also wanted to share something that I find kind of cool with you guys. I don't know about you, but going through IVF and all of it's uncertainties has made me unusually superstitious. I start looking for signs, grasping at coincidences, in the hopes that they mean something about my cycle. I know rationally that this is all ridiculous, but infertility will make even the most hardened skeptic start reaching for voodoo dolls and spells!
For whatever weird reason, the thing I latched onto was our orchids. My husband and I love orchids, and always have one or two around the house. During my first IVF, I started this kind of game where I would think that if my orchid blossoms survived/thrived during the procedure, that it would be successful. I know, weird right? Unfortunately, the blossoms started to die off as soon as stims started, and I was left with only one sad looking one by the end. You all know that my first cycle was a disaster and ended up not even going to transfer.
The next cycle, even though I tried not to, I ended up doing the same thing but this time with a bouquet of flowers (even crazier!). And nearly the same thing happened - the blossoms started to fade and my cycle ended in a BFN.
This cycle, despite my best efforts, I started following the growth of the orchid we had bought to replace the first one. I didn't follow it so much during the stims process (as I as out in CO) but once I got back and was waiting for our CCS results I started noticing it more. This orchid has been an unusually healthy one, and lasted much longer than any I've ever had. I kept waiting for it to fade, but it just kept on thriving. Then, one day, not long after I got my CCS results of 2 normals, I noticed that the orchid had started to bud. And about a week later I realized that there were not just one, but 2 buds that had formed! This seemed like such a potent symbol for my 2 embryos that I couldn't help but imbue them with that significance. I took a couple pictures as they started to grow, to document this in case my cycle actually turned out to be positive.
Here is the orchid plant - you can see the buds on the right stem.
Here's another picture later on - you can see both buds getting bigger.
During the 2WW, I started to fret over these buds with the same intensity that I was fretting over the embryos. I would check on them 5 times a day, and if it seemed like they weren't growing I would get nervous. I watered the plant carefully and religiously, and wouldn't let Hubby do anything to harm it.
The buds just kept growing and growing, and then, on the morning of beta, here is what I woke up to!
A view from head on - you can see that bud #2 isn't far behind!
This story is absolutely true - it literally didn't bloom until the morning of beta. Crazy coincidence, eh?
It makes me wonder about that second bud being behind the first...could that mean something too? Although it is growing nicely and will be blooming in about a week I think...
Lest you think me totally loony I do realize that this is purely coincidence and not some mystical sign. But sometimes it is these things that get us through a difficult time. And I now have a great attachment to this little plant for helping me do that.
Beta #2 is tomorrow. I suppose I should be glad that the shock of the twins thing kept me from worrying about it, or any other miscarriage fears. I guess those will be coming before the ultrasound, gulp! I'll post again tomorrow when I get my beta. Never a dull moment!