The Not-So-Sexy Infertility Adventures of a Girl in the Big Apple

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

4w1d - Kinda Freaking Out Over Here...

First off, I want to thank all of you again for the amazing support - what would I do without you ladies?  I was really touched to hear both from the amazing women I've been following and also first-time commenters.  Thank you all.

Since yesterday I have to admit I've been freaking out a bit about this twin thing.  I'm kind of ashamed about it, because I should be just overjoyed to be pregnant at all (and I am, I am!).  But I am also scared, anxious, and filled with regret about not doing eSET.  I'm not proud of it, but it's true.

Hubby was amazing last night and talked me off the ledge more than once.  Thank goodness he is a natural optimist, and always looks on the bright side of life.  He's going to need all of that optimism to get his crazy wife through this!

And yes, I know that there is still a possibility that this is a singleton after all.  But I checked out the Betabase and out of the 2,900 singleton betas recorded there guess how many were as high or higher than mine?  Less than 31.  Meaning less than 1%.  So it is very, very, VERY likely that I have twins cooking, and I need to just get my head around that fact.  If I can.

I also wanted to share something that I find kind of cool with you guys.  I don't know about you, but going through IVF and all of it's uncertainties has made me unusually superstitious.  I start looking for signs, grasping at coincidences, in the hopes that they mean something about my cycle.  I know rationally that this is all ridiculous, but infertility will make even the most hardened skeptic start reaching for voodoo dolls and spells!

For whatever weird reason, the thing I latched onto was our orchids.  My husband and I love orchids, and always have one or two around the house.  During my first IVF, I started this kind of game where I would think that if my orchid blossoms survived/thrived during the procedure, that it would be successful.  I know, weird right?  Unfortunately, the blossoms started to die off as soon as stims started, and I was left with only one sad looking one by the end.  You all know that my first cycle was a disaster and ended up not even going to transfer.

The next cycle, even though I tried not to, I ended up doing the same thing but this time with a bouquet of flowers (even crazier!).  And nearly the same thing happened - the blossoms started to fade and my cycle ended in a BFN.

This cycle, despite my best efforts, I started following the growth of the orchid we had bought to replace the first one.  I didn't follow it so much during the stims process (as I as out in CO) but once I got back and was waiting for our CCS results I started noticing it more.  This orchid has been an unusually healthy one, and lasted much longer than any I've ever had.  I kept waiting for it to fade, but it just kept on thriving.  Then, one day, not long after I got my CCS results of 2 normals, I noticed that the orchid had started to bud.  And about a week later I realized that there were not just one, but 2 buds that had formed!  This seemed like such a potent symbol for my 2 embryos that I couldn't help but imbue them with that significance.  I took a couple pictures as they started to grow, to document this in case my cycle actually turned out to be positive.
Here is the orchid plant - you can see the buds on the right stem.
Here's another picture later on - you can see both buds getting bigger.

During the 2WW, I started to fret over these buds with the same intensity that I was fretting over the embryos.  I would check on them 5 times a day, and if it seemed like they weren't growing I would get nervous.  I watered the plant carefully and religiously, and wouldn't let Hubby do anything to harm it.
The buds just kept growing and growing, and then, on the morning of beta, here is what I woke up to!
It bloomed!
A view from head on - you can see that bud #2 isn't far behind!

This story is absolutely true - it literally didn't bloom until the morning of beta.  Crazy coincidence, eh?
It makes me wonder about that second bud being behind the first...could that mean something too?  Although it is growing nicely and will be blooming in about a week I think...

Lest you think me totally loony I do realize that this is purely coincidence and not some mystical sign.  But sometimes it is these things that get us through a difficult time.  And I now have a great attachment to this little plant for helping me do that.

Beta #2 is tomorrow.  I suppose I should be glad that the shock of the twins thing kept me from worrying about it, or any other miscarriage fears.  I guess those will be coming before the ultrasound, gulp!  I'll post again tomorrow when I get my beta.  Never a dull moment!


  1. Oh don't have to feel bad for being scared of twins. You didn't expect this and the possibility of two is a lot to digest but you'll be fine!! I'm so very happy for you! Good luck tomorrow!

  2. I hear you loud and clear. Our first beta was in the top 6% for a singleton and in the top 1/2 still for twins and everyone said twins. I literally woke up at 3 in the morning that night and found myself begging for it not to be twins (not that I wouldn't love twins - I am just so so so terrified of being able to carry them to term, I know 2 people in real life with twins and they have both had bad experiences and preterm labor). But then yesterday, out of nowhere, I decided that we were not having twins (haha I know random) and then I was actually really sad about it - I realized that I have kind of come to term with it and am even excited at the possibility. Yes - all of this in a week :) So I have decided I will take whatever comes!
    Love the orchid story/pics!!! Wow!!! What a sign! :)

  3. I also find myself looking for signs - I think it's my brain just working out my emotions.

    Your Orchid is beautiful. I think you may have inspired me to get one - I have been eyeing them at costco.

    Good luck! Thinking about you.

  4. OMG, I've become more and more superstitious as the days go by, Dan thinks I'm going totally nuts, always looking for signs and stuff, I think your experience with the orchid was amazing!! Too much of a coincidence if you ask me, what a story to share with your kids :) Regarding twins, I do understand how you feel, on my first IVF my mom was hoping we would get twins and be done with it, I was terrified just hearing her talk about the possibility, so at one point it was a very scary thought for me too. I'm not sure what part of having twins you are worried about but I have a friend that is 5"1' that carried twins up to 37 weeks without any problems and got back in to perfect shape after that, in case that gives you any peace of mind :) A few months later she got pregnant naturally and gave birth to a beautiful boy, now she is raising three and doing fine, I wish she had a blog to share with you! They just went on vacation skying with another couple for Valentine's Day, just to give you an example, they are doing just fine and she is thrilled!

    1. Oh thank you, that made me feel so much always do!

    2. Forgot to mention that all three are under the age of 2! She looks like she's never had kids, still has time to go out for coffee with me every once in a while, and takes all three to the beach every afternoon. I believe you will be so happy, just as much as she is.

  5. It's a lot to wrap your mind around, for sure. I'm not even good at getting myself out the door in the morning, so I think I'd have the same reservations thinking about also handling 2 babies. But, you'll be ok! If it makes you feel any better, my mom has a cousin who gave birth to triplets who are now in their early forties. Back then, they didn't do u/s, and so this was a total surprise - and not a welcome surprise since she already had 4 adolescent children at home! Can you imagine?! Yikes!

    Hang in there, and congrats!

  6. Love the orchids! Beautiful sign of a healthy pregnancy to come. If it makes you feel any better, I was sometimes kicking myself for not transferring 2, because it would be so nice to have 2 at the same time and be done with fertility stuff forever! I believe if it is twins, it was just meant to be for you.

  7. By the way go look at Calmly Chaotic blog - mom of twins and it will make you feel better!

    1. Thank you TurtleMama, you are making me feel so much better...I'm going to check out that blog right now!

  8. OMG I would be terrified if I was having twins! You're not being ungrateful, twins brings a whole slew of new problems to the table and you're totally justified in freaking out about it!

    Love the orchid story =)

  9. NOT apologize that you are freakin' that you could be cookin' twins! Any and ALL fears rational or not rational are real and therefore valid. But the good news is that prenatal care for twins is excpetional nowadays - especially where you live. Yes, your life will be super busy for the first few months...but you know...even though I did an eSET and got lucky...sometimes I wish I had twins so that LN10 would have a twibling because I just can't do "this" all over again?!! Plus I think twin families would be so much fun as they got older. But again...the jury is still out if its twins. Anyway, I hope that your fears start to subside soon. And try not to beat yourself up that you "chose" to have if IVF treatment and its outcomes is "your" fault. The decision to transfer one or two is THE hardest decision to make and the rest is up to your chosen diety...and my belief is that your chosen diety will only give you what He thinks you can CAN do this!!

  10. Newbie, please don't be so hard on yourself. Its very natural to be freaked out at the thought of twins. Its just the concept of the unknown and that is the scary thing, not that you are not happy or grateful.
    Yes twins can make for a more challenging pregnancy - sometimes - not always. Lots of women have perfectly good pregnancies. So, dont worry, you will be fine if you do have twins in there and just think of the positive - no more IVF - yay!
    So, just relax and enjoy. Lots of hugs!

  11. Don't freak out yet....I have seen others with higher or just as high with a singleton, while some lower with twins. We were at 896 at d12p5dt and while we did have twins, we lost one. Twins are scary, but if that is what you are handed, you will love it!

  12. When I had a high beta with my daughter, I was afraid of twins too and regretted not pushing for a single embryo transfer (and my husband even moreso). But it turned out to be just a single overachiever in the end.

    And if it is twins, it's doable. When I was pregnant with my son, I knew two women who had done IVF around the same time and ended up with twins. They both made it comfortably (well, complication-free at least!) to 37 weeks, and were even encouraged by their doctors to attempt a vaginal birth (both ended up doing caesarean though I can't recall the circumstances). All the babies were born healthy and strong.

    Both these women were my inspiration any time I felt run down by my single pregnancy and newborn!

    Love the orchid story--I hope it's flourishing! Good luck with Beta #2!

  13. Newbie - It is totally normal to look for signs...

    The cycle where I got pregnant was our absolute our doctor agreed to transfer three embryos. As our transfer date got closer, I started to stress - knowing that up until the time they were in my uterus, I could change my mind.

    Two nights before our transfer, I was about 20 cars back from a horrible accident. A car rolled over in the middle of the highway. The highway was shut down and it took about 90 minutes before the police were able to have all of us caught between two exits turn around and drive in the opposite direction down the highway to get us off the road safely. I was certain someone died in the accident and this was a sign telling us that we made the right decision. Amazingly, no one died nor was seriously hurt in the accident. I couldn't believe it!

    You read my blog - so you know that all three started to take, but one didn't make it.

    As Mom to Twinkies, I couldn't imagine my life being any more perfect. Yes, there is another mouth to feed, more bottles to wash and double the diapers, but there are also double the smiles, twice as many hugs, and two amazing, little people that I brought to life.

    When you don't know any different than taking care of two, you have nothing to compare it to and you don't know any differently - only what strangers tell you.

    Now that I have "been there" and "done that", I really don't think having two is any more difficult than having one.

    It's all in your attitude. Instead of saying "I have to", I look at it as "I get to"! I get to see my son and daughter smile and wiggle every time I change their diaper, I get to calm them down when they are crying, I get to give them nourishment that helps them to grow and develop!

    You also learn "tricks" to make your life a little easier. For example, as stupid as this sounds, it took me almost a month to realize I could put them side-by-side in bouncy seats to feeed them at the same time. You can also join "multiples clubs" where Moms to twins and triplets are always happy to offer advice.

    Yes, it's a little tough in the beginning, but I promise - it gets easier. Looking back, the past three months have FLOWN by and both twins almost always sleep through the night now- so I am getting the rest I need.

    You can do have all of us!